


I'm Fucked Up Just Like You Are (And You're Fucked Up Just Like Me)

by TheBoyWhoStoppedTheApocalypse



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, M/M, Slow Build, Suicide Attempt, death mentions, i always do high schol aus, im sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2018-05-16 02:36:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5810272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBoyWhoStoppedTheApocalypse/pseuds/TheBoyWhoStoppedTheApocalypse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh volunteers at St. Bernard's women and children hospital because he's an overachiever. Tyler gets into a really bad car accident because he likes to take risks. Josh talks with Tyler during his recovery and realizes he's probably just about as broken as he is, but Josh wants to change that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cuz you were pressing on the gas just a bit hard

Chapped lips, dark brown eyes and a quiet scratchy voice is the only thing Josh Dun knows about Tyler Joseph. It's kind of weird to hear the panic in his friends voices when the words 'tyler Joseph' and 'fatal car crash' are joined into the same sentence. Usually it's 'tyler Joseph' and 'weird.' Josh volunteers at St. Bernard hospital to talk to teens around his age who are admitted into the hospital. It gives the teens a more relatable person to talk to through their time of trouble. He also gives them medication if he has to. He likes volunteering.  
  
Rarely do classmates from his school come into St. Bernard. It's a bit far away from the district but josh lived just on the edge making it easy to volunteer and go to the school. So it shouldn't have been so surprising when Brendon sent him a text about the boy being in a wreck before a nurse even uttered his name. Although they attended the most boring school ever so it was huge talk when even a nobody like Tyler Joseph got into a fatal crash.  
  
It's seconds later when he sees tyler being wheeled down the hall quickly. He catches unusually pale skin and a lot of red. Josh always assumed he could handle blood, but today it makes him a little sick. He can't do anything to help, just stay behind the counter with the other volunteer and nurses. He looks to Haley who he had grown familiar with while volunteering. She didn't go to the same school as him so she didn't know why he was spooked by seeing Tyler dying.  
  
"He goes to school with me." He answers her confused look.  
  
"Oh..." Haley isn't usually this quiet and it makes josh feel a little worse. He didn't even know Tyler that well so he had no right to feel a little sad right now. "Do you want to visit him then?" There was no set schedule for who visited who. They chose who they visited, and got the packets ready for when the kids woke up.  
  
"I don't actually know him that well." His voice is quiet.  
  
"I think he would like a familiar face." Haley stands from her chair, having to visit the twelve year old three rooms down who is still suffering from his very bad concussion.  
  
"Maybe."  
  
"Unless Pat gets here and decides to take him." Patrick probably knew less about Tyler than Josh did.  
  
"No, I think I will. Patrick is still wary about car accident patients." His boyfriend of two years had been in one recently but it wasn't even that bad. The airbag had done the most damage, bruising his face and breaking his thumb.  
  
"True. Listen, I'll be back in a few. Tell me if he comes back out." Haley gives him a pat on the shoulder before he watches her orange hair bounce away. The younger patients liked their colored hair. It always made them smile, which is what they needed in a hospital.  
  
"Josh," a brown haired nurse who he keeps forgetting the name of, pokes her head around the corner. "You're needed in room 325."  
  
"Nathan?" He asks as he stands. No matter who needed him he was willing to go to another floor for.  
  
"Yeah," she smiled a little apologetically.  
  
Josh goes with her to the elevator, forgetting about Tyler for just a minute. Nathan was a ten year old leukemia patient. Josh had given him the usual smiley face pillow and warm greetings. Josh was coming to tidy up the room without realizing they were doing a small treatment. Nathan asked to hold Josh's hand since his mother always winced and Nathan didn't like that. Since then, josh always held his hand when they were doing something painful. Nathan was strong for a ten year old, Josh had to admit.  
  
\-------  
  
Josh decides to take care of Tyler when he's done helping Nathan. Patrick had come in asking about him since that's all anyone was talking about this afternoon. Tyler was still in surgery but josh had gotten word that his femur had broken and his kidney started failing from being punctured. It wasn't looking good. Patrick gets a bit of a sad look on his face and josh knows he isn't thinking about how Pete could have gotten it worse. He's thinking about mortality, just like they always do when someone their age is really close to dying.  
  
"Do you know if his parents came in yet?" Haley asks, even though she was on this floor longer than josh.  
  
"They're in the waiting room." Patrick says as he puts together a bouquet for his first patient of the day. It was their fourth day in the hospital, but that didn't mean they still couldn't get something. The smiley face pillow was part of the real package. Whether they wanted to give balloons or flowers was up to them as long as they paid for them themselves. Patrick always went a little above and beyond. "I saw them on my way in. They look wrecked. No pun intended."  
  
"Can you imagine?" Haley looks glum, shaking her head. "I would die if my kid was going through this."  
  
Dr. Callaghan walks past the desk. Josh knew he was the one operating on Tyler, he couldn't help but try and figure out as much as he could. Instead of stopping him, he watches him go to the waiting area to tell Tyler's parents whether he made it or not. Josh gets up to peak around the corner to see Tyler being wheeled into the ICU unit. That meant limited visits for Josh. Dr. Callaghan comes back with Tyler's parents trailing behind him. A couple younger teens follow them. Josh recognizes one as Tyler's brother, Zack. Josh goes back to the desk, preparing the package, though he highly doubts he'll visit tyler today. Maybe in the morning since today is a Friday.  
  
"Did you hear what happened, Pat?" Josh asks when he sits down. "I only saw Tyler come in."  
  
"People are saying it was just him in the accident. I think he hit some ice and swerved off the road into a tree. He's lucky he isn't any worse." With that, Patrick walks down the hall, flowers in hand ready to greet Cynthia.  
  
"I think he'll be okay, Josh." Haley says, sensing his nervousness. "He made it through surgery which is really good."  
  
"Something could go wrong."  
  
"He looked strong to me."  
  
Josh can't help but think that just a floor above them, there's new mothers holding their just born babies. Mothers giving birth for their third or maybe even fourth time. Hell, fifth if they're really that committed. Josh was a little wary of that floor, all the screaming made him cringe. He liked seeing the occasional mom being wheeled out, whispering to the baby in their arms. He'd only been up there to deliver something to a nurse who was well acquainted with a nurse on his floor. Just two more floors above them, there's appointments for broken bones, scoliosis checks, physical therapy and even scoliosis surgeries. He's been up there twice to visit two girls who went trough the surgery to get rods in their back. They were always nice and it was easy to talk about athletics with them, since most were doing sports.  
  
Josh hated thinking about mortality.  
  
\------  
  
Josh was right in thinking he would have to visit tyler in the morning. He got up and changed into his alien scrubs. When he's in the kitchen, his mom gives him compliments about how professional he looked. Josh rolled his eyes because she said that every morning since he started volunteering. He didn't mind because some days he liked to pretend he was a doctor driving to work. But he knew the reality of it.  
  
Haley was already at the desk, looking like she was waiting for Josh. A new volunteer sat behind her, talking to a nurse about the ropes. He didn't recognize her, so he just assumed she didn't go to school with him.  
  
"They're talking about a good recovery." Haley says as Josh puts his lunch in the fridge. He's not sure how long he'll be today but leaving after lunch would be nice.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"That Joseph kid."  
  
Then josh remembers he has to visit him. "Is he still in the ICU?"  
  
"Yeah but they'll probably move him tomorrow. _Depending_."  
  
Josh stands back up and grabs his already prepared package. He felt like giving tyler a coloring book would bring a smile to his face. Coloring books were sometimes given to the young kids. He tucks the book and crayon box under the ribbon keeping the handmade quilt folded neatly. Everything was donated by people in the community. Before he could volunteer, he had his mom drive him to donate some items. "A lot can happen in a day."  
  
Tyler is asleep when he comes into the room. His parents must be in the cafeteria or just taking a break from the room. The one thing josh didn't seem to notice was the neck brace around his neck. His face is slightly swollen but that oddly makes him look normal since Josh always thought he was a bit freakishly thin. Or worryingly thin. Josh sometimes worried unnecessarily about people he didn't know.  
  
Tyler stirs, making a small noise when he does so. All he sees is aliens. That doesn't make sense... "Wha--?"  
  
"Oh, hi, I'm josh. Dun. Josh dun. I volunteer for the hospital so I'll come in with gifts or anything. I clean the room and talk if you want to." He smiles kindly down at tyler.  
  
"What's today?" His voice sounds more hoarse than usual.  
  
"Saturday. The sixteenth."  
  
"I was hoping I had slept longer." He blinks a few times, the medicine still making him loopy. "You have red hair."  
  
Josh laughs a little bit. "I do."  
  
"I know that red hair. You're josh." He lifts his hand weakly and pokes josh in the chest. "The one with red hair."  
  
"Yeah, that's me." He doesn't bother letting tyler know he already introduced himself.  
  
"I didn't know you worked at the hospital." He gets a small smile. His eyelids fall heavily, but Tyler tries to fight the tiredness. He wants to keep talking to Josh for some reason. "I'm- I wanna..." His eyes stay closed and he falls back asleep, hand falling back onto the bed softly. Josh takes it and tucks it close to his side. He stays until his parents come back, explaining the gifts for Tyler. He doesn't stay long because they look tired.  
  
"How'd it go?" Haley asks.  
  
"He was asleep when I went in but he woke up, commented my hair, told me he knew me and then fell asleep again."  
  
"I'm sure he's tired."  
  
"I think he pressed the morphine button the second he woke up."  
  
Josh's phone buzzes in his pocket, and he assumes it's his mom giving him another list if things to buy before he goes home. But it isn't. It's Brendon.  
  
**Beebo** : meet me for lunch? Ppl wanna know abt tyjo.  
  
**Spooky Jim** : noon?  
  
**Beebo** : works for me  
  
Brendon was the news reporter basically for their school. Something bad happened at the weekend party? brendon knew every detail. Someone hasn't been to school for a week? Just ask brendon urie. So of course he wanted to talk about Tyler over lunch. People would be surrounding him on Monday. They were probably already texting him. Now he just had to wait three hours.  
  
\----  
  
"What happened?" Brendon asks the second josh sits across from him at the Taco Bell. He feels a bit weird still in his scrubs but he puts it in the back of his mind.  
  
"I thought you would at least know that by now." Josh runs his hand through his hair, the red still fading. He keeps thinking about dyeing it but he hasn't found the time. "Did you get food for me?"  
  
"Yeah, the usual. I haven't been able to get a proper source, Dun. Nobody saw it happen and zack hasn't been home."  
  
"Don't go straight to his brother for info! At least not now. That's a bit insensitive." He shakes his head. "You know, you'd be a good detective or something."  
  
"You've got it mixed up. You're supposed to be Mulder and I'm supposed to be Scully."  
  
"You're no Scully, B." There's a beat of silence before josh sighs and recites Tyler's injuries with the addition of cracked ribs. "Pat says he hit ice and went off the road at a quick curve in the road. He was probably going to fast not realizing it was there."Brendon takes the news only like Brendon can. He eats. Quietly. Josh feels like he's going to have to get used to Brendon (and many more poeple) being quieter than usual from now on. No one at their school has been in an accident this bad. But silence doesn't last that long with Brendon. 

  
"You should skip your communion or whatever you do at your church and come suffer with me."  
  
"I'm not catholic." Josh rolls his eyes.  
  
"Whatever." Brendon waves it off. "Do you think being Mormon is easy? I don't get coffee, Josh. _Coffee_. That's a necessity to keep a man alive!"  
  
"You know how they look at me because if my hair and piercings. I don't like it there."  
  
"That's why I bring you. Please?"  
  
"Brendon--"  
  
He clasps his hands together and pouts a little. "Please please please please!" He stops, takes a deep breath, and starts begging louder and faster.  
  
"Alright! Fine, I'll go to church with you tomorrow." Josh glares at him. "You owe me though. That's two more hours than I'd like."  
  
"I'll dye your hair for you."  
  
Josh liked the sound of that. "...fine." But he wasn't going to act like he was happy about it.  
  
\-----  
  
Brendon dyed Josh's hair what was supposed to be red but it turned out light and looked more pink to them but josh didn't care. He was tired of crimson reds. It made him look softer anyway. He spent the night at Brendon's and grudgingly got up at seven am and borrowed a white button up and black slacks. He kept his vans on because they apparently couldn't share shoes. Brendon lets him wear an alien tie, and why he has one at ready for him, josh will never know.  
  
Josh likes the reverence the church brings. Once he'd gone to a baptist church with a really old friend and he thought that it seemed to not have anything like a schedule. They started praying and he'd had no idea. At Brendon's church it was always the same. Prayer, announcements, sacrament, a couple talks with songs in between them. Josh liked poking fun at Brendon when he sang because he always sounded different singing hymns.  
  
The next two hours consisted of lessons, and other teenagers staring at him. A few met him already but it had been a really long time since he's been here so there were new kids, slightly terrified if his punk exterior. 'He's a puppy in the inside I swear' Brendon said during his introduction. As the teacher spoke, Josh's mind wandered, glancing at someone every once in awhile. Their eyes were either stuck to his hair or the piercings he had. Although he liked the longing looks that he knew they would like a little color in their hair or just another piercing. Maya -is that her name- stared the longest but he stopped caring.  
  
"God, that probably really sucked for you." Brendon says when the last class finally finishes.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"The teachers mentioned how your body is a temple and shouldn't be ruined, like, a million times."  
  
"Oh I must have zoned out for that part." He stuffs his hands in his pockets. "Don't you have choir or something."  
  
"You want to stay another half hour?" Brendon raises a questionable eyebrow.  
  
"You're right. Let's get out of here."  
  
On the car ride home Brendon gets very quiet and serious at one point. His grip tightens on the steering wheel and suddenly, he thinks, _what if I jerked the wheel too?_ Had Tyler done it on purpose? It surely looked like an accident. He went by where it happened on Saturday and it really looked like one. He didn't stay long. When Brendon started thinking about death, he started having anxiety attacks.  
  
"I don't think it matters what happened to Tyler." He says suddenly, making Josh snap his head up. "What matters is if he's okay."  
  
Brendon isn't always an asshole.  
  
\-----  
  
School on Monday was really weird. A lot of people acted like they knew Tyler and were actually sad that he could have died. In two of his classes -English and history since everyone had the same teacher for them- large cards. A group of girls who josh could call popular but are just well known mention how they're going to take the cards to Tyler, which Josh knows is almost impossible.  
  
"He's in the ICU. Family only." Someone says. Brendon probably but josh pays little attention in this class. People only like Brendon because he can give them information an are entitled to like josh because as small as Brendon may be, he can throw a good punch. It's not that they find josh annoying or weird, it's just that he's quiet and people don't like that for some reason. He's not a freak but he's at least known.  
  
"Josh volunteers at the hospital." Brendon actually does say. "He checks up on Tyler."  
  
Josh just hopes no one asks him to let them sneak into the ICU but he was always an optimistic. They don't ask to do anything that will get josh in trouble. So, that's how he ends up with two posters filled with get wells at the end of the day. Brendon at least apologizes for calling Josh out but Josh doesn't care. It'll at least bring a smile to Tyler's face. Josh decided that when he glances at Tyler, it should always be when he's smiling.  
  
"Josh!" A girl calls his name from the parking lot. He's in his scrubs since he changes right after school so he's not surprised she found him in the crowd easily. He stops and turns, watching a blonde haired girl with bright blue eyes jog toward him. She smiles when she's standing in front of him out of breath. "I don't know if you know me but I'm Jenna. I'm Tyler's best friend, practical sister. Could you, um, do me a favor?"  
  
He _knew_  someone would ask. "I can't sneak anyone into the ICU. I could lose the scholarship I get from this." Well, volunteer hours. If he worked longer than nine weeks, he could have the possibility of a scholarship. He was definitely going to work more than nine weeks and he let them know that.  
  
Her eyes widen in shock. "Oh, no, I wouldn't dare ask you to do that! I know how strict St. Bernard is. I was just wondering if you could give him this card." He holds it out and it isn't homemade, he can tell, but it's surely a funny card by the cartoon on the front. Then she slips him a tiny piece of paper. "I can't go see him and no ones been home. Also, could you text me updates? I really only have Tyler's number."  
  
"Oh, sure, no problem... Jenna?" He looks at her number scrawled onto the paper then back up to her smiling face. "I should run but I'll text you when I get to the hospital. To give you my number if anything hasn't changed."  
  
"All right. Thanks, josh. You're a life saver."  
  
He smiles a little sheepishly. "Not yet."  
  
\------  
  
It isn't good when he walks in an he knows it. Haley could have easily texted him if something went wrong but she was more of a face to face person when it came to bad news. She always had to comfort them right after. She hugs him first and he reminds himself that he shouldn't act like the kids at school. Like he knew tyler and should be entitled to be sad but he is by what she tells him.  
  
"They had to take him back into surgery. His kidney started failing again and I guess his heart couldn't handle all the stress and started giving out too."  
  
"When did this happen?"  
  
"Around noon. He's out of surgery now, but he's not looking that good." She looks down at the floor and catches a glimpse of the posters. "What's this?"  
  
"Kids at school were signing get well cards for him."  
  
"His parents are in there now. I'm sure they wouldn't mind seeing the support."  
  
Josh makes his way down slowly. He can hear Tyler's mom sobbing three rooms down. Knocking in the door, there's a pause I the sobs. "Sorry to interrupt. Um, I go to school with tyler, so a lot of kids signed these cards for him. Also, Jenna gave me a card for him."  
  
"Thank you. You can put them by the flowers." Tyler's mom sniffles. "Thank you." Josh does as she asks, catching a quick glimpse of Tyler. He's got a tube down his throat so he knows things are really bad. Josh can feel the paper with Jenna's number weighing down his pocket. "Did you- did you know tyler?"  
  
He turns back to them, trying his hardest to not look at the dead looking boy on the bed. "No, not really. We talked once I think and worked on an English project but I was never good at starting conversations with anyone. I guess he wasn't either..."  
  
"He was always shy." _Was was was_. The word feels like a knife in his chest. She's already talking like he's dead.  
  
"Smart too. Apparently I don't know English as well as I thought." It brings a smile to Mrs. Joseph's face. Her husbands too. "Sorry about... This. It has to be hard."  
  
"It's... It is was it is. Life always brings a few surprises." Mr. Joseph says with a bit of a sigh.  
  
"I wish him the best. I should get back... If you want dinner but don't want to leave I can always get it for you."  
  
"Thank you." Mrs. Joseph gives him a kid smile. "We'll let you know."  
  
\-----  
  
Josh prays and cries for the first time in a long time when he gets home that night. The lingering thoughts of death, and seeing it, scares the shit out of him. His mom always told him when he was younger that praying for people was the best thing you could do sometimes. So he prayed as hard as he could, holding his hands tightly, eyes squeezed shut in hope. He prayed for Tyler and his parents and his siblings and how he wanted that tube out of his throat as soon as medically possible. Or as soon as God would allow. He selfishly prayed to see Tyler's dark eyes and to e able to say SOMETHING to him before his inevitable end. Josh prayed that it would be later rather than sooner. After praying he crawled into bed and selfishly cried. At least he thought it was selfish.  
  
For some reason -since fate works in the weirdest way to josh- he wasn't the only one thinking about death. Brendon texted him, his fears which was rare. Jenna also texted him since he texted her about how Tyler got worse. He texted them both as best as he could since Brendon never talked to seriously and he didn't know Jenna that well. It was cathartic though, being able to express how he felt without feeling awkward. Then josh stupidly decided he would sneak Jenna in because he could see the cracks in her lost words. He decided she shouldn't go without seeing him at least once. And he thinks he's doing something good. Jenna cries when she sees Tyler and stupidly Josh is worried when Tyler's mom is coming back since only one person can stay the night in the ICU. It's late and she's probably just stepping out for coffee or talking to Zack about watching over his siblings.  _Something other than being here._ He doesn't blame her though. He stops worrying when Jenna grabs him tightly in a hug. 

"He's so reckless." She cries into his shoulder. "He always drove too fast and took risks. Now look where it got him." 

"He doesn't look real." Josh can't help but say, but Jenna can only agree. 

Josh drives her home instead of her driving. She asks to stop somewhere because she's not quite ready to go home. So, Josh takes her to Starbucks which is magically open at this hour and they sit across from each other at a table, silent at first. Jenna drinks quietly and tries to not look Josh in the eye. She feels a bit awkward for breaking down like that. Feeling Tyler's cold skin and seeing him like that really shook her and Josh couldn't blame her. He remembered when a great aunt he barely knew was really sick and his mom made him go see her. She looked like death and she basically was since at two in the morning after they'd left, she died. But Josh didn't really like the feeling that if he touched her, she'd crumble or he'd break her thin skin. He was afraid that if he even so much as touched the machines, something would go wrong and he'd be the one to kill her. Eventually he learned that couldn't happen. 

"I want to hear his voice again." She says and he brings his eyes back to her, staying silent in case she continues on talking. "I keep calling his phone. I think it's still in the woods. I finally caught Zack and he said they never found his phone. It's still alive. It doesn't go straight to voicemail."

"Do you want to look for it?"

Jenna shrugs a little. "He doesn't really need it and it's probably messed up and it's really dark..." Josh can tell she really wants to look for it though. She stirs her straw in her hot chocolate and won't look up because she's sure he would know that  _yes,_ she does want to look for it. 

"We could after school. I don't go to the hospital on Tuesdays." And he sometimes doesn't go to school either. 

Jenna smiles for the first time since she picked him up to go to the hospital. "Okay, sure."

They finish their drink and she finally let's Josh take her home. She stays silent and looks out the window, but josh doesn't really mind. He was fine with the silence most of the time. It gave him some space to think and right now he could only think about Tyler Joseph. Chapped lips, dark brown eyes and a quiet scratchy voice is the only thing Josh Dun wishes he could have back instead of pale lips, pink swollen eyelids and forced breathing from a machine.


	2. Broken hearts, give em here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's heavy suicide and death mentions. I went a little in detail about the accident so just a warning.

Jenna keeps Tyler's mud covered phone.

Josh was the one that found it and he didn't see Jenna ever letting it go. He doesn't expect her to so he doesn't suggest it to her. He drives her home, not saying much as he does. She doesn't either and that's how it usually goes. But he has to say something before she leaves.

"If... If you want to see tyler again, I'll let you in." She only purses her lips and nods before thanking him for the ride and goes inside.

Josh remembers her briefly mentioning that she was was Tyler's next door neighbor. He wonders which house is his. There's one with a basketball hoop and he thinks that might be his because everyone knows zack plays basketball. Did tyler play? Josh remembers having gym with Tyler freshman year and seeing him shoot a few good hoops but other than that he doesn't remember much. He never went to basketball games so it's a mystery if he was ever on the team. I should ask when he wakes up.

His week continues on as usual other than the few questions on how Tyler is doing. He can only tell them he hasn't woken up since his heart failed. He won't tell them it started failing for the second time on Thursday. He stays with him and his dad after the surgery. He asked mr. Joseph if he minded if he played some music from his phone. He found some movie soundtracks at random and let it play. Josh always played music for the patients that were in a coma, he always hoped it relaxed them. Whether they were to wake up, he knew it was all up to them. It also calmed the parents down. Jenna goes to see tyler again on Friday and gets caught by his mom but she lets her stay for a moment.

Josh got to see two patients he visited go home and it made him remember why he liked the hospital so much. He always saw the successes, leaving with tired smiles still having to recover but at least it wasn't in the hospital. It made him forget about the death that he was so naively terrified of. One patient even hugged him as they left. He really liked volunteering.

\------

Saturday comes all to quickly. He goes in the afternoon since Brendon spent the night at his place Friday and they stayed up way too late for him to go in at eight. Brendon doesn't talk about tyler dying but the few memories he remembers from him living.

"He always kept a torn up leather bound notebook." Brendon says. "I always saw him at lunch last year writing in it. That Jenna girl was always talking but he was always writing."

Josh finds an old notebook of his to give to tyler to see if he would like that better than the coloring book.

That afternoon as he's switching the coloring book for the notebook, tyler seems to gag on the tube down his throat and josh snaps his head to see Tyler's eyes open, looking scared and confused. Josh runs to get a nurse and waits outside the room until they're done. Tyler's mom is stroking Tyler's hair when he goes back in and he's sure tyler is asleep again. But it shocks him when mrs. Joseph waves josh over telling him tyler asked for him.

Tyler opens his eyes. "I like Arrival if the Birds." He asks, hoarse voice making Josh's heart stutter.

"I- what?" He feels confused and is sure the pain medication is just making him say random things.

"You played it for me? Right?" Tyler looks shy which is weird since -if josh has to be honest- he's seen Tyler's hospital gown basically ripped off him as the nurses tried to stabilize him.

"Uh- yeah. I didn't think you would know. Even remember."

"Coma victims hear everything." Tyler smiles, chapped lips cracking a little. "Well, not everything."

"I... I get what you're saying." Josh smiles, feeling relieved. This time when Jenna cries into his shoulder, it will be from tears of joy.

"You dyed your hair." His smile drops for a second but it grows as he keeps looking at Josh's hair. "It's like a sherbet pink."

"The red was fading." He ruffles his own hair, not quite used to someone other than his friends saying something about his hair.

"I'm going to go grab your father." His mom stands up and kisses his forehead. He mumbles an okay and watches her leave.

"So. How are you feeling?" Josh takes the seat his mom was just sitting in.

"Um, like shit." He laughs a little then winces. The neck brace was taken off when they were removing the tube. His neck must have not been that bad. He turns his head to look at josh who admired his long eyelashes for a small moment.

"A lot of people are worried." Josh tells him, glancing at the cards on the table behind tyler from where he's sitting. "I let Jenna sneak in twice. No one will stop asking about you."

His eyes widen. Obviously he wasn't expecting that. "Really?"

"Not to be bearer of bad news but..." He swallows and rubs his hands together. "Your heart gave out twice."

"The nurse told me. That that's why my chest hurts." He doesn't talk that loud but Josh is sure he never did in the first place. "But everything hurts."

"You have your button." Josh points to his hand where the IV sticks into. He's holding it, easily able to press it to get more pain medication.

"I'm tired of sleeping." He mumbles, lips barely moving and he turns his head to look up at the ceiling. "I know it's supposed to help but I just missed a week."

"In a couple days -depending- you could be able to sit up. No walking obviously."

"Depending?"

"Some people heal at different rates. They could let you try going to your new room though. Outside if the ICU."

Tyler is quiet for a moment, closing his eyes. Josh is sure he's going to fall asleep but he starts talking again. "So Jenna came?"

"Yeah, I couldn't- she looked so sad. I had to sneak her in."

"Did she cry?"

"Both times." He sees tyler frown which makes him frown. He hates making people feel bad. "I have her number. She asked me to text her with updates. Do you want to call her?"

Tyler smiles and nods once before josh takes out his phone and dials. Josh can hear Jenna scream over the phone when tyler says hello instead of josh. He can hear the happy sobs too which makes tyler grin. Josh can see a couple tears in the corner of Tyler's eyes as she tells him over and over again how happy she is to hear his voice. Tyler tells her he's happy too. The call doesn't last long as his parents re enter along with his siblings. They must live close by or they come over in the afternoons. Josh ducks out of the room as tyler gets surrounded by his family.

Josh sits by Haley, who doesn't comment on the few tears that he sheds from pure relief. Work goes on as usual. (Other than the fact that fifteen minutes later Jenna is there to hug josh and cry since she can't hug Tyler).

News of tyler waking up spreads fast and a few people want to visit him but they have to wait. Tyler has a day or two (depending) in the ICU then four more days in the hospital. The rest of his recovery can finish at home. After all, it's resting and letting the scars heal enough before doing activities. Tyler sort of likes hearing that people want to see him. He doesn't say it but there's this glint in his eyes when josh tells him.

\------

Josh skips church on Sunday and at this point his mom had stopped questioning him about it. He's come up with so many lies within the past two years, she just let him sleep instead if hearing a halfhearted lie about having a migraine. It's not that he doesn't hate church, he's just found himself in a bit of a fix. He's not sure what to believe and his faith begins to rapidly deterriate the more he questions it. Instead of trying to fix it he finds himself laying around for an hour trying to do everything himself. He's too independent at times.

His family leaves but he can't find himself to lay around today. He doesn't even change out of his sweats before walking out the door and driving away. Honestly he's not sure he even put shoes on, all he can think about is his destination. For some reason he told himself when he was looking for Tyler's phone that he didn't want to go back. But something kept bugging him. Maybe it was because he didn't look at anything except the ground. Only for Tyler's phone.

The woods start on the side of the road, trees spread out from each other. The trees grow thicker as he continues to drive, slowing down as he gets closer to his destination. He pulls off of the road after taking the curve extra slow. The snow had melted by now but he vaguely remembered seeing pink still in the snow that Tuesday. There's still some debris when he walks up slowly, grass squishing under his shoes. He closes his eyes, imagining the crash happening. He knows what a car in car collision sounds like. When he was eight his mom accidentally rear ended someone as she was trying to get his little sister to calm down behind her and then she hit someone. She wasn't going very fast. It was in a school zone. So that metal crunching plays in his head but he not sure that's how it sounded to tyler. Josh sees him and hears the breaks slamming, seeing his hands jerk the wheel the opposite way. He sees the car flipping, tyler reaching helplessly to grab something to keep him from moving anymore. There's screaming, metal crunching and possible tears before the car slams into the tree, passenger side first. Glass and blood are everywhere and tyler looks around with wide eyes, afraid to move and the only thoughts going through his head are 'am I dead?'

Josh opens his eyes, not wanting to think about the rest. Someone had found him. He tried getting out on his own in search for his phone. He didn't get very far apparently. All he could do was unbuckle his seatbelt before passing out. Josh walks up to the tree, running his fingertips along the paint scraped onto it. He wishes he had nothing to fear but a lot of things scared him. Too many things scared him.

He hears a noise, like paper blowing in the wind, but when he looks around there's nothing but bits of Tyler's car. He looks up because maybe it's just dead leaves still hanging on but he sees something odd tucked between two branches. It's a brown leather journal. Without thinking, he starts climbing. He has to take a break because he was never much of a climber and he gets a little scared the higher he goes. He sits on a thick branch that holds him and reaches up, grabbing the journal. Opening it, a lot of the words are smudged from condensation and the snow probably melting on it. He can read most of it though. He pulls out his phone and calls Brendon.

"Dude, I'm in church, what's wrong?" Brendon whispers a little but josh hears a stall door closing.

"The journal you talked about tyler having. What color was it?" It has to be Tyler's. Who else would leave a journal out in the woods where he crashed?

"What? I dunno. I never payed attention to the color. Why?"

"I think I found something. I went to where he- I never looked when I was with Jenna and--" he stops. Jenna. She would know.

"And? Dude. What? And what!"

"I have to go." He hangs up as Brendon repeats his name and calls Jenna, barely even letting her say hello. "Did tyler own a brown leather notebook?"

"Yeah... Why?"

"Did you read any of it?"

"Sometimes but, josh, what are you getting at?"

"'It's taking a toll on my soul, I'm screaming submission and I don't know if I'm dying or living.'" Josh reads with a shaky voice.

"That's... Yes. It's his. Where did you--"

"I found it. In the woods. I don't know why I came back but I did and I found it in a tree. A tree." He nearly drops the book, his hand is shaking that bad. He's not sure what's wrong with him. Maybe it's the heights or the words he read but something is making him panic. "I heard the pages in the wind and I look up and there it is, tucked in between branches."

"You sound scared. Are you okay?"

"I'm- I think I'm stuck in the tree." He says honestly.

"Oh josh..." He hopes she isn't laughing or trying not to. "I'll be there in a few minutes. Hang tight. I mean it."

"I think I can--" the line goes dead and he decides to stay in the tree if she's going to come help him. He reads a few more lines while he waits but one makes a chill run down his spine. It doesn't seem to go with anything. Just a line on its own. 'A car, a torch, a death.' Josh actually drops the journal this time. Even though it looks like an accident, josh is beginning to think it was just made to look that way. There were too many signs that led him to believe this. With shaking hands, he pulls out his phone again and types slowly.

'Signs of suicide.'

Only one sticks out to him since he didn't know tyler that well but Jenna had said it to him the first time she saw him in the hospital.

'Having a "death wish" taking unnecessary risks such as driving over the speed limit, running red lights, etc., being excessively reckless

Josh almost stops breathing again. He reads on though. Deep sadness. Well his writings were pretty sad. Trouble sleeping or eating. Mood swings. Increasing use of drugs or alcohol. Loss of interest/withdrawal. He stops reading before he diagnoses himself. A car door shutting makes him jump but he finds Jenna looking up at him.

"Wow, that's high." She lets out a whistle.

"Don't call the fire department. I'll never live it down." He calls down weakly. He hears her giggle though.

"I'll guide you down. Unless you want me to come up there with you."

"I think- I think I'll be fine on my own."

He wasn't. His hands became sweaty and even shakier. His foot slipped and he let out a shriek more times than he would admit. With about four feet left to go he falls down harshly. Jenna rushes to him and helps him up, wiping mud off of him as best she can.

"Are you okay?" She actually sounds worried and he begins to understand why tyler kept Jenna around.

"Yeah, yeah. It's not the first time I've fallen. Not from a tree though. That's a first." He starts getting up, Jenna helping him the whole way. He steps forward to grab the journal, wiping it off too.

"Are you going to give it to him today?" She asks a little hesitant.

"Yeah, I think I am."

"Do you mind if I come along? I want to see if he's out of the ICU." She juggles her keys nervously.

"I don't mind at all." Josh knows he won't get moved until at least by Tuesday, but it wouldn't be bad for Jenna to get out a little. Josh could talk to her or take her back to Starbucks.

They get in their separate cars, josh taking the lead. He blasts his music, trying to stop thinking so much. He didn't know tyler so he shouldn't be so sure that he tried to commit suicide. It's not even Josh's place to question it. Or at least ask him about it. He could think all he wanted. He just didn't want to is the thing.

Jenna sits in the waiting room when they get there. A couple nurses are surprised to see him but he slips in without any other questions. Tyler's alone which makes it easier for josh to walk in.

"I thought you weren't working today." Tyler says the second he sees josh. There's a ghost of a smile though.

"I found something." He holds up the journal and tyler perks up even more, the tiny smile growing into a huge grin. "I believe it belongs to you."

"Where did you get that?"

"It was in a tree believe it or not." He hands it over to tyler. "I read a few lines if you don't mind. I read them to Jenna to make sure it really was yours."

"I didn't know it went out of my car. I know they found a lot of loose papers and a couple text book but..." Tyler looks up at josh. "Thank you."

"It's no problem." He shuffles on his feet, feeling the question clawing it's way out of his mouth. "A car a torch a death. What does it mean?"

The smile drops and tyler looks a little confused. "What do you mean?"

"It's one of the last things you wrote and I couldn't stop thinking that- that the crash wasn't an accident." He keeps his eyes on the floor, unable to look him in the eye. "That you wanted to...."

"It- it was an accident. I didn't mean for it to happen. I was driving stupidly fast and I--"

"Reckless driving." Josh finally looks him in the eye. "A sign of suicide."

"Josh..." His voice is quiet and now he feels like an asshole. "I SWEAR it was an accident. I didn't mean for it to happen but..." He bites his lip to stop from crying. "But I would have been okay with dying."

Josh closes his eyes because that's the last thing he wanted to hear. He knew tyler for a total of four hours and he feels himself fall apart as if he knew him for four years. He can't help the hot tears that fall down his face as he remembers thinking too many times 'I'm okay with dying' 'if I got hit right now I'd be okay with it.' He doesn't want that to come from someone else's mouth. "I'm sorry." He says still not looking at tyler. "I didn't mean to push you. I just- I worried."

"I can't do it. I tried but I couldn't."

"I can't either." Josh nearly whispers.

"Fuck. You too." Josh stays quiet and tyler sighs loudly. "We're broken people I guess."

"You could say that again." Josh falls into the chair next to his bed. He stays quiet, looking up at tyler who's wiping at his face with a small chuckle. "Don't tell me you're okay with dying ever again." It's probably harsh, but tyler doesn't really see it that way for some reason. It's a plead. And the way josh says it, he knows he's thought the same thing. Tyler is always able to tell and sometimes he hates it, but not right now.

\------

Tyler gets moved from the ICU on Tuesday and Josh is there to help. Tyler asked him to be there. He didn't want to do it without him. It takes time, getting him out of bed and into the wheelchair. His mom takes a couple photos and tyler smiles sheepishly. Josh wheels him down the hallway, tyler holding the bar with his IV bag. It seems to take longer getting tyler into bed than out. It wears him out and he winces a lot. The nurses help more than josh as he gets scared of hurting tyler. Also the boy is damn picky about how his pillows have to be situated. He asks about Jenna but before she can get to the hospital, he's asleep. She stays for awhile anyway since she's at least allowed to see him for more than five minutes. He doesn't wake up before she has to leave. As josh is getting ready to leave too, tyler wakes up and stops him.

"Can you stay the night? Since I'm not in intensive care, and my parents really need to get back to work, they have to be home. My mom said she'd try staying a night or so but..."

"Yeah." Josh cuts him off. "I'll stay." The chair is uncomfortable but the way tyler smiled at him makes him not so angry about it.

\-----

Students visit him on Wednesday and sometimes when josh passes by the room, he sees how awkward tyler is about it. He chuckles a little and has to continue on. Jenna stays the whole afternoon, speaking for tyler when he can't find the words. He feel asleep at some point but josh was sure he was at least faking when people wouldn't stop coming. He decides to be nice and puts a sign outside of the door saying no more visits. Tyler miraculously wakes up just a few minutes after he does so.

Josh says he's done volunteering at six but he stops by Tyler's room before he leaves. Him and Jenna are deep in a conversation so he just sits and listens. She tells him about all the things he missed, all the homework (he groans at that) all the drama and tyler tries to act nonchalant about it but he thrives on hearing about it. After all it's what keeps him awake during school. For some reason josh just likes listening to tyler talk and he definitely sounds better than he did a few days ago. Tired, sure, but more alive.

"I'm tired of writing." Tyler sighs. "Did they ever find my phone?"

"Oh! I forgot completely." Jenna digs around in her purse. Tyler glances over to josh, knowing he was listening the whole time and smiles at him. Josh can't help but look away sheepishly.

"You're torturing me, Jen." Tyler jokes. "All I had was Joshy over here to keep me company." He rolls his eyes pretending josh was actually as boring as he's making him out to be. Josh stays quiet, smiling more. "Real interesting guy though." Josh's stomach twists. They've talked about many things and josh even talked when Tyler was up at two in the morning unable to find sleep. He even talked about the deal with designed napkins, all for the sake of letting tyler talk. Josh decides he could listen to him just talk for years and then he realizes that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't a bad idea.

Jenna gives back Tyler's clean phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also thanks for the comments and kudos! I'm trying to write a little deeper and less dialogue heavy..


	3. I have the audacity to think i matter

Home is lonely for Josh. His mom is home sometimes but she's almost always gone. Work for her keeps her out of the house. As for his dad, he's gone forever. Forever is a drastic word, he has to tell himself. Josh's dad left one day without warning and then they didn't see him for at least three months. When he came back, his mom wasn't even happy about it and then his absence became permanent. But during the divorce he got his sisters so it was just him and Jordan. His dad has visited them a couple times but his mom is always there watching. Josh never bothered to ask why he left and he decided he didn't ever want to. His mom thought that was just fine.

Jordan is either doing extracurricular activities after school or asleep by the time he gets home. Working instead of sitting alone as he does his own thing is better for him. He's sure it's better to distract himself from how quiet his house can be. Only a handful if times has it been loud but his sisters left and his brother was always sort if quiet. Josh hates the quiet.

Saturday is always the day he tries to be with family but when it comes to his mom canceling because of work and Jordan just wants to hang out with friends from being ditched by their mom, he sits alone. Sometimes he blasts music or goes to Brendon's, following whatever stupid thing he's doing. Most Saturday nights, he becomes the designated driver because Brendon doesn't know how to hold back. How in the hell Brendon can simply shrug off his hangover and look perfectly fine for church is beyond him. Josh lets it happen because anything is better than the quiet. Besides, Brendon can talk his ear off any time of the day. It's just funnier when he's either drunk or high, or both which is better.

Josh doesn't volunteer on Wednesday so he can work Saturday. Four hours of silence is a lot more tolerable than ten. He could tag along with Brendon to church if he wanted to. Today, though, he prefers to listen to Tyler rather than Brendon. Staying the night Tuesday made his bones stiff and gave him little sleep. Sometimes tyler couldn't fall back asleep after nurses checked up on him so he'd listen to him talking if he wanted to or just watched him write, the light keeping him awake. Tyler wouldn't let them have a deep conversation for awhile until it was four in the morning and he asked josh if he ever tried dying. Josh was hesitant to answer but he decided to say, 'once, but then music started playing somewhere.' Then he had to explain his hatred for silence to tyler. Music became his saving grace.

Ultimately josh fell asleep on the couch. He slept through his alarm and even dinner. The only thing that woke him up was Jordan closing the front door.

"Who's there?" Josh rubs his eyes tiredly, really hoping it isn't a killer.

"The boogeyman." Jordan answers without any indication that it's funny to him.

"What time is it?" Josh tried to find his phone but it probably stuck itself between the cushions.

"Sevenish." He shrugs, not really looking at a clock. He continuously checked the time on his walk home. "Have you eaten?"

"No, have you?"

"Matts mom was making meatloaf so, no. I'm hungry though but there's no food in the fridge last I checked."

"Taco Bell?" He knew his brother wouldn't ask straight up if they could eat out. He couldn't drive yet but josh could and had his own car. Their mom typically didn't care if they ate out.

"Yeah, Taco Bell sounds good."

Josh plays music on the car ride because Jordan isn't talkative today. When he's stuck in silence with other people, his skin crawls and he feels the need to scratch endlessly at it. Josh makes his brother talk after they get food, tired of him keeping his mouth closed. Apparently, he hasn't talked to him in so long that he had no idea he was starting track soon and was getting tired of soccer. He barely even knew Jordan's friends anymore but he pretended he knew it all. Ever since their dad left, commitment issues evolved in their lives. Josh just pretends nothing is that wrong.

"So nursing. How's it going?"

"You know, taking care of people, some get better and some don't." He shrugs a little, not sure what he specifically should say.

"Isn't some dude in your grade in the hospital or something?"

"Yeah."

"Sucks." Jordan frowns but he doesn't know him well enough to feel that bad.

"Yeah, it does."

It's quiet again and Josh isn't sure whether he should drop the bomb or not. Jordan loathed their dad even if he barely knew him as much as josh did. All he knew was that he left him and his mom, which was the reason for pure anger. Jordan became even quieter in the presence of their dad. If that was even humanly possible.

"Dads coming over Saturday for dinner."

He becomes a little stuff and glares at the table. "Why?"

"It's moms birthday."

"Shit." His face softens and he looks out the window. "I forgot to get a gift."

"I'll let you take partial credit for mine." He answers quickly. "Mom wants you to actually talk to dad this time."

"Why? She doesn't like him being alone with us, so what's changed?"

"He's still your dad." It's his moms words, but he feels he has to tell him that too.

"I don't care. He wasn't there when I needed him." He crosses his arms tightly.

"He wasn't there for any of us, J." Josh looks out the window when his brother looks back to him. He saw a little guilt in his eyes, something he decide he didn't like seeing on his brother . "You don't have to say a lot but don't be a dick, all right?"

It's quiet for a small moment before Jordan sighs. "All right but I'm just doing it for mom. Because it's her birthday."

\-------

Tyler smiles when he talks to josh. He noticed this not long after they talked. When a few students come in Thursday afternoon, tyler gives them polite smiles but it's nothing compared to the genuine one josh gets. The room fills with flowers and balloons but the only ones tyler seems to care about is the bouquet josh bought before visiting him for the day. He doesn't stay long then, having to check up on other patients. Tyler doesn't seem to mind, pulling out his writing book and sits quietly with his brother.

"He asked about you yesterday." Hayley says to him when he's at he desk, rearranging the items sitting on it.

"Who? Nathan?"

"No, tyler." She grins and shoves his shoulder. "Although Nathan did ask for you too."

"I came in Tuesday instead so--"

"I told him why. Well, not why you always want to work Saturdays. But he seemed okay with it." She nudges him and looks a little mischievous. "I think he likes you."

"Don't be so elementary school about this." Josh rolls his eyes, but his heart does a little jump at the thought.

"Oh, come on. You're the one who's acting that way. Being all shy and cute about it."

"He's my patient, not my crush."

"Yeah, right. Joshua dun is so in love with Tyler Joseph!"

He hits her arm in fear if her being too loud. "Dude, be quiet!"

She points at him accusingly. "I knew it!"

"Okay, okay," he brings his voice down and glances around the halls. "Sure he's cute and all but he's a patient. Like that's gonna go well."

"Then get his number and continue to help him when he gets out!"

"Hayley--"

"I don't wanna hear it. Get the boys number."

Josh huffs and goes back to his mindless work. She was right though. He needed to get Tyler's number. But he was seeing him every afternoon anyway, and tyler barely seemed to have or use his phone. Josh had to persevere. So he visited tyler after clocking out and let him speak his mind. Tyler smiled as he talked about the things he heard about school. Josh knows the latest gossip but tyler seems to know more. He knows things that he could use in blackmail situations. Josh decides that he'll never get Tyler's bad side.

Tyler stops and his smile drops a little. "A lot of people got worried."

"They did." Josh can feel his chest getting tight at how suddenly serious it got.

"I didn't mean to. I didn't really want for it to happen but I was calm for a really small moment." He looks to the floor, his hands fumbling with wires and tubes.

"I know."

"I- I was scared after it happened. I think I screamed but I felt calm. Until I saw it all. Until I felt all the pain." He glances to josh who sits stiffly. Josh had thought about how it went down endlessly but tyler never talked about it willingly. "I got distracted by the snow falling. It was only flurries, I don't know if you knew that."

"I- no, I didn't. I was too busy."

"So it was flurrying and I stopped paying attention to my speed. I'm just watching the flakes rush toward me. There was something so mesmerizing about it. I couldn't stop watching. All thoughts had subsided and it was just me and the snow." His hands twitch and he swallows thickly. "Then I saw the curve and hit the breaks. Next thing I know I'm thrown off the road. The sound josh is so indescribable. I could hear everything over the music, the crunching, glass breaking, my screaming." He stops talking and his breath hitches loudly. Josh looks to see him holding tightly to the wires and his eyes squeezed shut, a single tear falling down his cheek.

Josh leans forward to grab one of his hands. "Ty, it's okay." Tyler lets out a small sob and shakes his head violently. "It's okay. You don't have to tell me all this. Not yet."

"I haven't told anyone. I want to tell someone." He squeezes Josh's hand and he's stronger than Nathan, which isn't that surprising. "I feel like I can only tell you. Everyone else will cry and try to reassure me with something I don't want to hear." He wipes more tears that had fallen away furiously. "You listen and you just get it even though you've never been through it."

"Empathy can be a bitch most times." It gets tyler laughing though.

"I'm not very strong." Tyler lets a few more tears fall before wiping at his face again. "I'm not that strong. I probably look it but I'm not."

"You woke up. You chose to wake up instead of giving up and letting go completely."

Tyler doesn't say anything else. Josh lets him cry. It's good for him to let the feelings out instead if keeping them in. Tyler calms down, taking a deep breath. "It's kind of weird."

"What is?"

"How so many people I don't know visited me. Your friend, Brendon, visited me. Granted, it was with his church group and I don't think he wanted to be with them to visit me."

"Brendon doesn't want to be seen with anyone there. It's... Brendon."

"It's a nice thought." Tyler shrugs nonchalantly. "But it was weird. All they seemed to really say is how much they were praying for me. Except Brendon. He just really wanted to sign my cast."

Josh laughs a little. "I think it's just how they are. It's /really/ special when they fast for you."

"Oh, I think they mentioned it but I don't really know how that works. I just don't really like the whole... Praying thing? I mean, my moms really faithful and I go to church every Sunday, but with this it's kind of weird. And I don't really pay attention much anyway."

"I'm not very religious either." Josh looks down at his lap. "But I prayed almost every night. Which, now that I'm saying it, is probably stupid because I don't know you very well and mom always said it doesn't have the affect it should if it isn't routine."

"I think it worked. I miraculously woke up." There's a hint of a smile tugging at a corner of his lips. "My mom kept telling- keeps telling me how lucky I am."

"You're a miracle Tyler Joseph."

\-------

Saturday was the day they were all hoping tyler would be able to go home but there were some unexpected problems. They weren't big, but it was enough to keep him in for at least one more day. As the week moved on, less wires were around him, bruises were nearly gone and some stitches were taken off. He was beginning to look more normal again. He could sit up on his own now. Although, he was still a bit shaky. He was still proud of himself.

"What are you gonna do when you go home?" Josh asks, getting comfortable in the seat next to him. Tyler was his last visit for today. Then his was home for the first family dinner in years.

"I want to play basketball but that's still out of the question." He sighs and lets his head fall back on the pillow. "I dunno. Watch some good tv I guess."

"Wow, what a life you've got." Josh says sarcastically.

"We don't have video games."

"Wait a second. You don't have video games!?" He leans forward in his seat, not believing what he just heard.

"...no, not really. Unless you count Mario kart. Mom doesn't really like all the violent stuff. Or any of it. We're all either athletic or academic."

"I'm not letting you be deprived anymore, all right? I've got a secret stash. My moms always out on business during the week anyway. You're gonna come over to my house one day and I'll blow your mind."

Tyler grins, the one josh loves where it shows his crooked teeth and small dimples. "I'd really like that."

Josh smiles back but looks at the floor sheepishly. "Great. Just tell me when. After I get your number of course."

"Oh, right." Tyler reaches for his phone that's next to the, somehow, still alive flowers josh got him. "Just put your number in and I'll text you whenever."

"Great." Josh decides against putting a silly name in just this once. Tyler could choose that when he wanted to. Handing the phone back, he sees how tired he looks. "You're usually asleep around this time. Do you want me to go?"

"No, it's fine. If you don't mind of course. I fall asleep through anything anyway."

"I don't mind."

It doesn't take long for tyler to fall asleep but the last thing josh expected was to fall asleep too. It was warmer than usual and the haze from the sun outside just made him a little tired. Watching tyler sleep was probably another factor but he wouldn't admit that one. It's not a long nap for him though. He gets woken up to someone poking his shoulder harshly.

"Josh, come on." Hayley hisses into his ear. He opens his eyes, feeling extremely confused. "Your brothers here. Something about a family dinner?"

He wakes up at that. "Oh, shit! What time is it?" He gets out of the chair, spinning in circles to find his phone.

"I dunno, six or so last I checked."

"Shit! I'm so late." He pats himself down and finds out his phone was on him the whole time. "Fuck, my moms gonna be so pissed."

"With language like that, I wouldn't be surprised."

He expects the comment from Hayley but it comes from a half awake tyler.

"Shit- fuck- I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up."

"He's got a point, Dun." Hayley crosses her arm, but she knows fully how Josh's mouth is like a sailors.

Tyler cracks a smile, his eyes falling closed. "Go to your dinner, you hethen. And use some soap for that mouth. I'll text you when I wake up."

"Again, I'm so sorry, Ty. I'll see you Monday."

"Monday, it is."

Josh runs out of the room to find an annoyed Jordan. He tries to apologize but doesn't get far as he gets dragged out of the building. The one thing josh hated about his brother was how much he was like his mom when scolding. The guy was even younger than josh and yet he still gave him the lecture of his life.

"I walked here for you." He finally finished as they stopped at Josh's car. "Also I brought a change of clothes. I'm driving. You're changing." Josh hands over the keys and gets in feeling even more guilty.

"Jordan I'm so--"

"Don't apologize to me." He starts the car. "Apologize to mom."

Josh changes into the button up and sweater instead of apologizing more. Dinner had probably already started. Or they were waiting not so patiently. It wasn't uncommon for a Dun to be late to dinner though. They all seemed to have too busy of a life to be on time.

"Prepare yourself." Jordan says as he parks and josh gets his belt on properly.

"For what?" He actually feels good at how easily he got dressed in a car.

"You'll see."

Josh wasn't prepared to see a woman none of them knew sitting next to his dad. And his mom wasn't happy about it at all. She didn't even complain about how late josh was. He sits down awkwardly, not bothering to say anything to his sisters.

"Well," his dad starts anxiously. "Let's eat, shall we?"

\------

It's a tense dinner. Why their dad would bring his girlfriend to his ex wife's birthday dinner, no one wants to ask. They all want to ask but they just choose not to. He catches up with Jordan and josh, both giving short answers. Neither acknowledge the woman he brought. Josh vaguely remembers the mention of her name. Angelia, he thinks. His mom at least makes an effort, but it doesn't last that long.

Every time his dad talks, he just feels annoyed and every time his sisters talk, he feels like a stranger. It's not a feeling he likes all that much. His mom can sense it apparently because when his mind wanders while being talked do, she kicks his leg gently. It's appreciated even if he gets slightly more annoyed.

"I'll get the cake mom." Jordan stands suddenly when their dad finishes some story.

"Oh, we got you a present too. Let me go get it." Josh gets up too, wanting to get as far away from this table as soon as possible. He walks through the kitchen, maybe going to try and give his brother a few words of comfort, but nothing positive seems to come out. "This sucks."

"Tell me about it." Jordan uncovers their badly iced cake. They had limited time the day before. Josh should have just bought one. "We're supposed to be nice and happy with the fact that he brought someone? This is moms birthday dinner."

"It'll be over soon." He pats his shoulder and goes to his room to retrieve the present. He highly doubts their dad is going to leave without wanting to say a few private words.

They all sing happy birthday and she opens Josh's present. It was just some perfume he assumed she would like. Jordan gave her a card just like his sisters. Dessert was over and no one seemed to have anything left to say.

"Well, that was fun but I guess you should get going, right dad?" Jordan says suddenly.

"Jordan," his mom warns harshly.

"No, no he's right. It's been awhile so they're probably not used to the whole family dinner thing." Their dad waves off Jordan's attitude easily.

"Not that you were ever really at them." Josh mutters, scraping at the crumbs on his plate with the fork.

"Josh!" His mom warns again.

"What?" He snaps a little uncharacteristically. "I'm supposed to pretend everything is all right? That he didn't just leave and take my sisters with him? But I guess so because I'm always the collected one."

"What's gotten into you?"

"Nothing! I've just- it's always been this way! You don't even like him talking to us in private. Why is he even here? He barely comes around anymore."

"The girls wanted to see me." She defends easily. Josh knows he's hurting her feelings but he's tired and annoyed.

"And his girlfriend? She's probably the one he cheated on with. Right? He had an affair and you guys got divorced?" He looks to his brother. Jordan had probably asked the second he got the right chance. He doesn't look at josh to let him know if he's wrong or not.

"Is this what this is all about?" His dad asks. "Do you want to know what happened?"

"No! I mean- yes. No, no I don't care what happened." He shakes his head, feeling confused. "It's probably bullshit. I just know you were a dick and you left me and mom and Jordan alone. You tore us apart. And I hate you for it." He stands up and walks off to god knows where. He ignores his mom calling his name to come back. He ignores everything and walks right out. Getting in his car, he drives with no destination in mind. It's not like he's any better, right? He just walked out on his family too, and the last thing he wanted to do was become like his father. Instead of going back, he calls Brendon.

"What are you doing tonight?" He asks before Brendon can say hello.

"I dunno. I think there's a party a couple neighborhoods away." He sounds bored, just what josh needed. "Aren't you having dinner or something."

"No. Let's go to the party."

"What? Are you serious? You never go to those."

"It's been a shitty night. I'll tell you about it when I get to your house." He hangs up and texts his brother so at least he won't worry.

/tell mom I just need some time to cool off and that I'm sorry. I'll probably be at Brendon's./

He doesn't check after that, turning his phone on silent because the calls started coming in. He didn't need this right now. He wanted to be a dumb normal teenager and get wasted to forget about his problems. He wanted to forget everything and with the silence filling his car again wasn't making that an easy task. Even with the music blasting, he couldn't seem to clear his head. That's how he knew the party would be the best worst idea he's had.

Brendon is waiting outside for him but josh needs out of this sweater. It's like fire on his skin. He parks and gets out if his car. "Do you have a shirt I can borrow?" He's already pulling the sweater off and about to start working on the button up when Brendon stops him.

"Yeah, dude, yeah. Don't strip. I've got a couple old Christians next door. They'll have a heart attack if they lay eyes on your pasty skin."

"Gee, thanks."

"Just wait like five seconds, all right? You can change in the car."

"Fine. You're driving then." He gets into the passenger seat as Brendon goes back inside, probably lying to his parents like he always does. Josh hates feeling mad. He wants to scream but instead he sits in his anger. Brendon comes back with at shirt and josh changes as he drives. Brendon turns the music down in hopes if talking to him but josh gets more agitated the quieter it gets.

"Dude, what happened?" Brendon asks when he turns down the volume again.

"My dad. He brought his fucking girlfriend to my moms birthday dinner. You don't bring your girlfriend to your ex wife's birthday dinner! It's so freaking-" he stops and takes a few deep breaths. "I snapped. I started yelling an I even told him I hate him."

"Yikes."

"Yeah, yikes." He sighs and puts his head in his hands. "Fuck. My mom looked so upset, B. She looked so heartbroken. And she hates my dad!"

"You've never snapped like that before. It's always Jordan and I guess she just wasn't prepared for it."

"I want to just scream. I feel like shit."

"Scream all you want. We've got time." Brendon turns the volume up to a dangerous level and josh lets it all out. At first it was just a stream of screams but then he starts yelling profanities that even makes Brendon cringe. He tries not to punch the dashboard but he has little self control at this point. He doesn't hit it a lot. There's surely going to be a dent though. The car stops and he tries to calm himself down before they go inside.

"Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean you really really hate parties."

"I just want to do something dumb for once. I want to feel like a normal kid who goes to dumb parties and gets drunk off his ass."

"Well, welcome to the life."

\-------

It didn't take josh long to get drunk. He's never had a drop of alcohol before. It tastes gross and he's never liked the smell, but he's on his fourth cup and completely wasted. Brendon stays with him, keeping a worried eye on him but after josh keeps falling over, he loosens up and laughs at him. The thought if getting home doesn't even cross either of their minds. Though, josh is sure Brendon has driven drunk before, which if he was sober, would worry him to death. With the feeling if being drunk and the music so loud he can feel it in his chest josh stops caring about anything. It was better than the silence.

He takes a break from the crowd of grinding classmates, moving into a hallway and checks his phone out of habit. He would have turned it off from seeing how many times his mom has called but he sees a text from an unknown number. For some reason, he knows exactly who it is.

/how was the dinner, heathen?/

"Oh my god." He mutters to himself. Running back into the living room, he grabs Brendon and starts yelling. "Tyler texted me! He wants to know how dinner went! What do I do?"

"Oh shit. Don't tell him it went bad. That would suck."

"Okay. I'll tell him it went fine." He squints at the screen and types as best he can. It looks like gibberish but he can't tell at that moment. "What if-- he answered!"

/what? Is that a different language I'm unaware of?/

"You typed it all wrong dude." Brendon takes the phone from Josh. "Can you even read this?"

"No, it's all blurry."

"You're so drunk right now!" Brendon cackles as he tries to decipher Josh's text.

"I should call tyler."

"Bad idea. He'll know you're drunk then."

"Nu-uh, I'm good at faking."

"No, you really aren't." He looks back at Josh's phone, reading the new text. "He wants to know what you're up to. Think of a good lie."

"All I'm doing it thinking about him."

"That's creepy, Josh."

"Hayley says I'm in love with him."

"I know but you can't let him know that."

"Just tell him I'm playing video games or something."

Brendon types slowly so not make any mistakes. In hind sight, he should have just put that he was going to go to sleep, but this was another distraction that josh needed. Also he was too drunk to think rationally. "So," he starts slowly, "you're 'in love' with tyler huh?"

"Can we get another drink?"

"Nope. You need water and a seat my friend." He takes josh by the shoulders and leads him to the kitchen.

They end up sitting outside on some old lawn chairs. It's quiet and the cold helps with Josh's groggy mind. He lets Brendon babble on about party stories that he would only sort of listen to if he was telling them at school. Josh doesn't get his phone back but at some point they forget to see if tyler ever responded. He looks past the fence at the small cluster of trees. It makes him think about tyler and how calm he can be. He finds it a bit funny that he can sit in silence with him but once he's alone at home, it feels suffocating. Tyler is just overall comfortable to josh. He's warm and normal. Josh really likes that about him. Home is lonely for josh, but he wouldn't mind calling Tyler home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't realize I was spelling Hayley wrong until halfway through writing this chapter. Also sorry for my down to ph(uck)otgraph readers, I'm working on the last few chapters before posting. Thanks for all the great comments!!


	4. I get to choose the angle that you view me

Josh decides he can't go home and face his mom, so he stays with Brendon. He goes to church with Brendon again. Though they're both hungover so bad but Brendon's mom says that just because josh slept over doesn't mean they get to skip. She has no idea how awful they really feel, but they persevere. Josh sees the girl who had been staring at him so much the week before with a septum piercing. Now she gets the glares, but she openly smiles at josh when he sits at the other end of the half circle. Lisa, he finds out, says a few things and he complements the new look. God knew she needed the support.

He goes back to his house Sunday night when he knows his mom is getting on a flight to wherever work was taking her now. He grabs a few changes of clothes, intending to stay a few days at Brendon's. Even though his mom would be gone and he wouldn't have to avoid her now, silence was the last thing he needed. Jordan texted him while he was stuck at church that if he wasn't going to come home for awhile, he was going to stay at a friends too. So the house was empty upon arrival. When he has an episode, the silence can seem a little more bearable. There's a small realization that it's not as bad as he was making out. In fact, there were moments he liked the silence but it would eventually lead up to a breakdown. Brendon was always there for those, blasting music and being loud, just like Brendon could be. Maybe that's why they worked so well together. Josh hating the silence and Brendon always able to fill it quickly.

"Good to go?" Brendon asks when josh returns with a bag stuffed with clothes.

"Yeah, got everything situated."

"What about J?"

"He's staying at a friends house like me."

"Okay, let's roll." He blasts his music and neither say anything about what's going on with josh.

\-----

Brendon's mom always loves having josh over. She always seemed to have a meal ready, but Brendon told him his mom only cooked the good stuff when he was over. She knows his situation with his mom and how he's a bit of a shitty cook so Taco Bell is what keeps him from going hungry. Josh was greatfull for a normal meal every once in awhile.

Dinner was always a bit eventful with them, since they were always a pretty loud bunch. Brendon argues with a couple of his siblings, his parents tried to yell over the arguing to stop it and Josh just sat there watching it all. It was almost like a fantasy. Though the arguing reminds him of how he snapped at his mom and it doesn't make him feel any better. No one notices for awhile until Brendon's mom asks what's new with him. He gives short answers, still a little awkward around her.

Dinner finishes quickly, and josh helps them clean up. He wonders briefly if this is what being a family feels like. Of course he remembers small memories when his dad was around but they didn't do a whole lot as a family. He was usually working so it was just his mom that tried to do the bonding. She'd just put a movie on for them and worked on the house. It worked sometimes. The two boys retreat back to Brendon's room and just lay on his bed, listening to whatever music comes next on shuffle.

"Are you still mad?" Brendon asks. "You're actually kind scary when you're mad."

"I dunno. Sort of I guess."

"Why are you mad at him again?"

"He's my dad, that's why." He hates how bitter he sounds. He hates _being_  bitter but that's just what his dad did to him. He turned into a stereotypical moody teenager and that's what he tried to stray away from. His mom hated Jordan's moodiness so what was different if josh had one too.

"I think I would hate my dad if he left too." He stops looking at the ceiling and instead looks to josh. Brendon doesn't really like feeling anything, but when it comes to his best friend being hurt, he's a little lenient about it.

"I don't hate him for leaving." Josh glances briefly toward him. "I hate him for hurting my mom. And Jordan. Most of all me. How selfish is that."

"Not selfish at all. I'm sure J and your mom feel the exact same way."

"Probably." He sits up and leaves his back turned to Brendon.

"You okay?" Brendon sits up too, reaching out to Josh's hunched over figure.

"No, but let's talk about something else."

"Like what?"

"I dunno." He turns around, grinning a little mischievously. "Maybe how I saw you sucking face with a Mr. Ryan Ross?"

Brendon groans loudly and flops back down onto the bed. "You saw that?"

"Almost everyone did. Your hand was basically down his pants."

Brendon covers his face in near embarrassment. He'd been crushing on Ryan for a pretty long time and Josh sort if guessed. Now the cat was out of the bag. "Well, what about you?"

"What _about_ me?" Josh turned his body completely to face him again, very intrigued at where this was going.

"In love with Tyler Joseph?"

"Yeah," Josh rolls his eyes. "We can definitely talk about something else."

\--------

Josh goes into the hospital on Monday feeling oddly nervous. Brendon's words were just getting to him that's all. He kept telling Josh to just go for it if he really liked tyler. That was the problem. He wasn't exactly sure if he really liked him like that. Sure, he thought about him a lot and his stomach would twist when he saw him smile but that didn't mean he *liked* him. Josh liked a lot of people. Tyler was just a little different. Okay, a lot different. But he wasnt in love, that's all.

He doesn't hesitate to go to Tyler's room when going through the big double doors. He barely says hi to Patrick who's looking a little bored. He just wanted to go to Tyler, a little curious why he didn't text much. He was probably just tired Josh told himself. But he's sure he knows why when he finds his room empty and bed made neatly. He goes back to the front desk, actually greeting Patrick this time.

"Looking for Tyler?" He asks, looking up from his phone.

"Yeah, what happened?" He was doing too well for him to be dead, but that's all josh could think.

"He got to go home this morning." He tells him. "Hayley said to not worry."

"I thought-" he sits down next to Patrick. "I'm not worried. What makes you think I'm worried?"

"Your hands were shaking." He points to them. "Besides, what else would anyone think finding his room empty?"

"He was doing too well for him to die."

"Don't be so morbid."

"I'm not--"

"I heard you're in love." He smiles slyly. Patrick never liked bickering much, so he would just change the conversation when it happened.

Josh glares at him. "Who told you?"

"Who else?"

"Hayley." They said at the same time.

"I can't believe she told you." Josh shakes his head. The glare isn't as prominent since it wasn't sensible to be mad at Patrick when Hayley was obviously at fault here.

"You've been acting a little funny lately." Patrick shrugs. "I was just curious about why."

"I've been acting funny?"

"Yeah, you know that dopey look I got when I first liked Pete?" Josh just nods. "Yeah, you got that look sometimes after seeing tyler. I wasn't sure if it was because of him or what, but Hayley spilled pretty quickly."

"Hayley likes telling everyone everything."

"You don't stay mad at her for very long." Patrick says then stands, ready to go visit whoever he's supposed to.

Josh sighs, a little defeated. "You're right."

Patrick pats him on the shoulder before going down the hall. Josh gets left with his thoughts. Why wouldn't tyler let him know he got to go home? He promised to see josh Monday. Not that he could really go anywhere on his own. It wasn't his fault though, getting released. The doctor allowed it, and josh couldn't really question a doctor. So why avoid telling him. Maybe he was just tired from all the moving. Or he just forgot. That didn't seem right but josh would go with any nice theory at this point.

He decided to just ask himself.

**Jish:**

noticed you got to go home. Everything Alright?

Tyler responded almost immediately.

**TyJo:**

oh crap I forgot to tell you. It was hectic and then I slept almost all day

**Jish:**

I can come by tomorrow.

**TyJo:**

mom said it was okay

Josh didn't stop smiling for awhile. He didn't even argue with Pat over how dopey he looked. He really liked Tyler.

\----

Instead of going over in the afternoon, josh goes to Tyler's house after sleeping in. A surprise visit couldn't hurt anyone. He grabs his game system and a few games before leaving. The house was empty. He was still at Brendon's and he could only assume his brother was still with his friends. It's not the first time the house has gone unused but it's been some time.

He doesn't really expect tyler to be awake but he does expect some scolding about skipping school from his mom though. She's oddly kind about it actually, which surprises him. She does look a little relieved though, to have an extra hand.

"He's in his bedroom." She lets josh in. "I'm not sure if he's awake yet. He hasn't called for me." She leads him down a hall, pointing to a door with his name written on a small whiteboard. Josh thanks her and enters quietly so he doesn't actually wake him up. Luckily he was already sitting up, scrolling through his phone.

"Josh, what are you doing here?" He sits up a little more with some struggle. "I mean- I knew you were coming I just expected you after school."

"I skip Tuesdays frequently. I like my days off." He shrugs and closes the door behind him. "Nice room." The walls were white, but what stuck out were the doilies placed on dressers and tables.

"Mines actually upstairs but I'm a little crippled at the moment." He pats his cast gently.

"Ah, and here I thought you were an old grandma." He sits on the edge of Tyler's bed, making sure he doesn't actually sit on him.

"Be careful, my mom likes the doilies."

"You won't taddle, right."

Tyler smiles and acts as if he's zipping his mouth closed. "My lips are sealed." He throws the invisible key away.

Josh laughs. "Thanks." He shifts awkwardly on the bed and then remembers the game console on his lap. "You want me to set this up?"

"Yeah, sorry the tv is small and kind if old."

"It's fine. We can make do." He plugs everything up into the tv that reminds him of when he was really young. When his parents were out on date nights, he would sneak into their bedroom and watch whatever he wanted while his younger siblings watched dumb young kid shows.

Tyler sits in a computer chair and Josh drags in a kitchen chair to sit in. Tyler props his bad leg on Josh's lap as they play. He's not as good as Josh, obviously, but he tries his best. When he plays, he sticks his tongue out in concentration and it keeps distracting Josh, making him catch up. They argue playfully as they play and each try cheating by knocking controllers out of each other's hands. Tyler only does it to hear Josh laugh again, a sound he still isn't quite used to.

"Dude, I gotta pee." Tyler says after about half an hour.

"Do you need help?" He pauses the game.

"No, I'm starting to go on my own." He stands slowly and grabs his crutches. "I'll call you if I need you, all right?" He makes his way slowly to the bathroom in the room.

"Okay, I'll be listening." He says, watching the small boy go. "For if you need me. Not listening to you pee." It makes tyler laugh though.

Josh knew not to pressure tyler as he went to the bathroom but he was a little anxious of him going on his own. Even if he swore he was doing okay by himself. Josh just wasn't sure he was healed enough for that. Maybe if he got a little more experienced the crutches but a day out of the hospital just wasn't helping Josh's nerves. But he needed to go then and his mom went to go get groceries. A thud makes his heart stop.

"Tyler?" He gets out of his chair and stands in front of the door.

"Josh, I'm fine." He calls but he doesn't sound fine and he curses quietly in pain.

"What happened?"

"I just- it was my crutch." He tries lying helplessly.

"Tyler you don't sound okay and that was a whole lot heavier than just a crutch."

"Josh I'm fine!" Tyler shouts.

He sighs heavily but keeps standing by the door. Maybe it really was just his crutch and he just went into super mom hyperactive mode. It's not like he needed to freak out every time tyler flinched. A little discomfort and pain wasn't uncommon. It still worried him to death. Did he worry because his mom would like him more or was he just that worried for Tyler?

"Josh?" Tyler calls quietly.

"Yeah?"

"...I need help."

Josh goes into the bathroom, not exactly sure what to expect. He finds tyler sitting on the floor, propped up on his elbows. Luckily he'd at least gotten his underwear up.

"I was trying to get my shorts on and I just sort of slipped..."

"I knew you weren't that capable." He helps him sit up.

"I'm not gonna go pee with you staring at me." Tyler huffs with a deep frown. Josh helps him stand, having to ignore his small grunts of pain.

"I'd turn around. I'm not _that_ interested in your dick." As Tyler gets his balance and holds to the bathroom counter for support, josh pulls up his basketball shorts.

"Don't be so annoying." He rolls his eyes but he's starting to smile again.

Josh hands him his crutches. "Then don't go alone next time."

\------

Tyler gets tired of playing games since he was losing so bad. The chair was starting to hurt a lot too so he needed to be back in bed. Josh sits at his feet and they start talking, light hearted things at first but it turns dark quickly. Josh had asked a simple question about Tyler's writing and he had to explain the dark and gritty about his words. Josh liked hearing the meanings though, even if they were pretty sad.

"Enough about me." Tyler throws his head back onto the pillow. "I wanna get to know the Josh Dun. Not nurse Dun."

"What do you wanna know?"

"I know you have a brother. And that you hate family dinners. What gets you annoyed?"

Josh shrugs, but tyler can't see that. "Loud chewers I guess."

"Loud chewers? You can do better than that."

"Silence. Like you said, it's kind of violent." His voice starts out small. "It's so suffocating and... Here's the deal. My dad's divorced from my mom, he left a number if years ago. I stopped counting how long. My mom got a job not much long after and started traveling. I'm home alone pretty much always, so the one thing I hate the most is silence."

"Jordan's not there that often?"

"He hates being alone. He feels alone in the house. Sometimes even when I'm there. Not in the same room, but there."

"So, you hate family dinners because it's not a full family?" Tyler lifts his head up a little to see how josh is feeling about this conversation.

"Pretty much, but this past family dinner was a full family. It was my moms birthday and my dad came over with my sisters and his... *dumb girlfriend.* Or fiancé. I don't care to know."

"Is that why you were drunk?"

Josh snaps his head in Tyler's direction. "You knew I was drunk?"

"Josh, you called me like ten times." He laughs a little.

He buries his head in his hands. "Shit I'm so sorry. I try not to put my crap on other people. Except Brendon because of obvious reasons."

"You guys are pretty close?" Tyler decides maybe he should change the subject from his family.

"Yeah, we've been friends for a pretty long time. So long I guess that he's let me spend the night since Saturday."

Tyler sits up shocked. "You haven't been home since Saturday?! What about your brother?"

"I dunno, he's staying at a friends too." He looks away to the floor, feeling a little guilty. "Mom isn't home anyway."

"What happened during dinner, Josh? We need to fix this." *we* not you. One simple word can make Josh's stomach flip so easily.

Josh sighs, though, going through the story again, tyler listening attentively. He nods along, facial expression changing with every mood josh goes over with him. He hates telling it to only feel guilty again, but he knows in the back of his mind he's being childish.

"Your mom loves you and she's trying." Tyler says when he's done. "I get why you don't care to know what happened but you're sort of their foundation for keeping a normal family, even if your dad isn't around. Jordan needs someone to look up to, and someone for support. You need to go back home, Josh."

"I'm- I'm too scared to." He nearly whispers, feeling tears stinging his eyes. He hates that feeling. "Home scares me. I don't want a breakdown."

"You can call me anytime. You just need to show Jordan the house isn't that bad. You can make this better."

"What if it doesn't get better? What if he never comes home? What if mom never trusts me like before, or just thinks I'm a huge disappointment?"

"What ifs are a big thing, but I swear they don't happen. It'll get better."

Josh looks up at him, tears making everything a bit blurry. "You swear you'll answer if I call?"

"Pinky promise." He holds out his finger and josh takes it with a small smile.

They move onto a brighter topic until tyler gets really tired and josh decides it's time for him to go. He drives around for a little while, just thinking through what just happened. Maybe tyler was right. It was about time for him to go home. Besides, he highly doubted mrs. Urie would appreciate seeing him in her house when school wasn't even out yet. Josh decides he can go home and face his brother for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so updating on my phone is a little wonky. I gave up on italics so it's in asterics now. This was probably also a shirt chapter but I hope you guys enjoy!! Kudos or comments are welcome :)


	5. Don't forget why you put one foot in front of the next

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Josh attempts suicide in this one I'm so sorry. I had to let off some steam. This might be short but it get better by the end I promise

Josh decides that if he killed himself right now everything would be better. Jordan never came home after several text messages and a call that went to voicemail. He's decided that's he's failed at being a better brother and being a better son. If he'd done things differently, he'd have been dead long ago and he'd have less attachments that kept making him reconsider. Or he'd be happier with his brother on the couch watching tv and having an actual cooked meal. Since he did neither of those things, he's sitting in his tub, phone in one hand, blade in the other. He wasn't much of a cutter. The thought scared him actually. The worst thing he'd done was use his nails to scratch his skin. Considering all of his options, he had a bottle of sleeping pills in his moms medicine cabinet and something that would work as a makeshift rope. There's always the option of walking down a busy highway. That wasn't too far off from his house. If he sat at his window, he could see the street lamps and hear the cars if he listened closely. That'd probably be easier and a lot faster. It was better than forcing pills down and he'd heard hanging was basically suffering until death. The cars moved fast enough he was sure.

He doesn't even bother to grab a thin jacket before going outside and making the small trek to the highway. He anxiously flips his phone in his hands, trying to decide if he should leave a note. To who? Would they even find it? He knows he'd have to leave it in the grass so it doesn't get ruined when he got hit, but would anyone even bother to open to his notes? Probably his mom but it'd be full of half apologies. That's the last thing he wanted. He decides last second that he'll send 'I love you' to just his mom, brother, and Brendon. Hayley was an option but he wasn't sure it was right. Not like this. 

Josh is ready. He's felt ready for years now, all he has to do is take two steps forward. He keeps his phone tight in his hands and takes a deep breath before moving forward. He regrets not saying anything to the miracle that is Tyler Joseph. 

\-----

"Hullo?" Tyler answers, still groggy from being asleep. There's no response on the other line, just whooshing noises and the occasional horn honking. He didn't even bother checking caller ID. "Is this a prank?" He asks. No response. He pulls the phone away from his ear to see Jishwa bright on his screen. "Josh? Where are you?"

"I'm in the middle of a highway?" He finally answers with a shaky voice. 

"What?" That wakes tyler up. "Why are you in the road!" 

"I... I was so ready Ty." Was josh crying? "I stepped out too fucking early and they missed me by a mile. I'm on the white lines. Nobody likes that." 

"Josh. Where are you?" Tyler feels like he can't breathe. 

"The highway."

"Which one?" 

"The one you take to eventually get to the mall." There's a long honk before there's the sound of a sob. "I- you need to let me go, Ty. I only called to say bye." 

"I'm coming to you. Get off the road." He throws his blankets off of him, trying to get his crutches while on the phone. "Don't you *dare* get hit by a car."

"Ty--"

"No, you're not arguing with me and I'm not getting off the phone until you're off that road." There's silence, a lot of horns and Tyler's heart stops in fear of him getting hit. "Josh?" 

"I'm off." He sounds pissed but tyler doesn't care. "Are you really coming?"

"Yes." He stumbles a little out of his room. "Don't move an inch."

"I want to so bad." His voice cracks painfully. 

"Please don't."

"I'm so close Ty. I just have to--" the line goes dead and Tyler almost falls trying to see if the call really ended. 

"Mom!!" Tyler screams, not sure if she's upstairs or on the couch. "Mom!" He's leaning against the wall, eyes shut tight. There's more than one set of foot steps, he can hear. 

"Tyler?" He can feels his moms hands grab his shoulder. "Tyler what's wrong? You look fine." 

"We need to go to Josh's house." He opens his eyes, still having trouble breathing. "Now!" He yells when no one moves. 

"Tyler honey--"

"Mom! It's life or death right now. We have to go to his house right now." 

His mom looks really worried but nods firmly and helps tyler off of the wall and to the car. He'd gotten Brendon's number when he visited, in case josh wasn't available or something. He was hoping he was awake as he asked for Josh's address. He got it within seconds and a worried text because 'josh never straight up says I love you.' He tells him not to worry and grips the door handle as his mom speeds for the first time he's ever seen. He can't help to cry. What if josh never left the road and instead found the right moment and it was too late. Tyler didn't want to believe that. They'd only known each other for about a week or more now, but tyler felt like it was his job to keep josh alive. Then he sees him. He's sure. 

"Mom, stop the car." He points josh out and braces himself in case she slams on the breaks. She doesn't, not really, but does pull to the side pretty quickly. Tyler doesn't even let the car come to a full stop before getting out and calling out to josh. He stands up and *thank god* he was alive. He meets tyler halfway, hating watching him struggle still with his crutches. He drops them, falling into Josh's arms. 

"Tyler..." He holds him up easily, arms wrapped tightly around his torso. Even slumped into him, tyler was still taller than him. 

He pulls away with a tear stained face. "You... *fucking asshole!*" he hits him in the chest a couple times. It throws josh off a little, tyler never cursed. "I thought you- you died!" 

"I'm sorry," he hangs his head a little. "My phone died..."

"I hate you." Tyler doesn't hit him as hard this time. Just a little halfhearted tap. "No, I'm sorry, I don't hate you." He goes back in for a hug, face burrowing into the crook of Josh's neck. The tears wet his neck a little. 

"I'm so sorry." Josh holds him tighter. "I didn't mean to scare you like that. I just- I just feel awful all the time." 

"I'm just so happy you're alive right now." 

"Josh, sweetheart?" His mom calls behind them. "Are you okay? Do I need to call someone?" 

"Uh, I'm fine for right now, mrs. Joseph. Thank you." He wipes quickly at some tears that had fallen unexpectedly.

"Can I stay the night at Josh's tonight mom?" Tyler hops on his good leg, wincing a little, to turn to his mom. He still has an arm slung around Josh's shoulders. 

"You don't have your medicine." He reminds him. 

"I don't care. I can hold off until morning." 

"How about Josh sleep over at our house?" She asks. "That way he isn't alone and you get your medicine?" 

Tyler turns to Josh for an answer. Josh shrugs a little. "Sure. I don't have anyone to look after."

"Okay. I'll drive you to your house and you can pack some clothes." She helps tyler back into the car and josh sits in the seat behind him. The short ride is painfully quiet but neither are sure of how to fill it without it being slightly depressing. 

Tyler goes inside with josh. He insists he can make his way up the stairs but about halfway he gets really tired so josh picks him up bridal style and carries him the rest of the way. He lets tyler sit on his bed as he moves around his room, shoving clothes and other necessities into his backpack. He's in his bathroom when tyler finally says something. 

"You scared the shit out of me." 

"I didn't mean to... I've never really, I dunno, gotten that close to it before. I guess I was afraid reaching out would make me stop." He grabs his toothpaste and brush and shoves it harshly into the smaller pocket. 

"Then whyd you call me?" He fiddles with his crutches as he waits for an answer. "It certainly wasn't to tell me you loved me." 

"I was hoping I could actually give you a reason and an actual goodbye. I dunno, I sounded kind of dumb. It was all really dumb." He avoids his reflection in the mirror, not wanting to see how big of a mess he was. 

"You didn't sound dumb." Tyler assures him. He knew the feeling of having a breakdown in front of someone and feeling extremely embarrassed about it. "You just sounded scared."

"I kind of was." Josh steps of his bathroom and tyler gets up, sure they were about to leave. He hesitates, toying with the straps of his backpack nervously. "Did you... Were you really that scared? I mean, what I'm trying to say is... Do you really care that much about me?" 

Tyler gets almost face to face with him in two easy strides. "If you were dead right now, I don't know how I'd find purpose in anything anymore." He says truthfully. "I seriously care about you." 

Josh gets a small smile on his lips as his gaze falls to the floor. He hears one crutch fall before feeling his hand grip at the back on his neck. It makes him look up curiously, and tyler looks like he's either going to cry again or say something even more deep. 

"What I'm trying to say is that I really like you. A lot." His words aren't as deep as before but he's a little nervous admitting this. "Like a shit ton. Because... Like, I just- here let me just do this." He closes the short gap to kiss josh. It's soft and nothing like josh really expected. Actually, he was t sure what to expect from kissing Tyler. It's passionate and he can feel the unspoken love behind it. It doesn't last too much longer before tyler pulls away. "So, now you know, but I think we should get going." 

Josh picks up his crutch and picks him up again bridal style. Everything feels a little different now and he's not sure what it is. Maybe it's the air, feeling not as thick. Or he's just feeling lightheaded. Either way, it felt better than wanting to die over five minutes ago. Tyler holds Josh's hand in the car, arm pulled back between the seat and passenger door. Josh stays silent, still recovering from the breakdown. What he needs is a lot of sleep. Sleep is the last thing josh does at Tyler's. He lays flat on his bed a tyler uses his chest as a pillow. Laying on his side still sucks, but he couldn't help being at least a little clingy. Josh didn't mind at all. 

Tyler's door opens suddenly by none other than Brendon Urie himself. And he doesn't look happy. 

"Joshua William Dun, you are the stupidest most... Sad person I know." He softens up at the end and josh can't remember the last time he'd seen Brendon start to tear up. "I need to hug you, you asshole." He makes his way carefully to lay awkwardly on top of him and tyler, giving the worst hug in history. "You worry me." 

"I know." He pats Brendon's back. "I'm sorry." 

"You're okay now, right?"

"Sorta. Better now I guess now that I came to my senses." 

"I love you, man." 

"Are you high right now? You never- wait, how do you know where tyler lives?" 

"Do you think I'm *that* heartless?" Brendon sits up a little, crushing Josh's thigh with his elbow. "We exchanged numbers and I visit him when I can. He's always bored and shit." 

"Well, not as much anymore." Tyler mumbles, head still firmly on Josh's chest. "You guys are cool." 

"Aw, see that josh?" Brendon grins. "Someone thinks I'm cool." 

"A lot of people think you're cool, B." Josh rolls his eyes. "It's me who isn't so cool." 

"With that hair? You're cool enough."

"Gee, thanks." 

Brendon laughs and falls back onto josh, who groans loudly when his huge ass head hits his stomach. He's not so sure he likes two people on him now, but he can't help but feel a little happy. Both boys on him accidentally tickle him on multiple occasions and it makes them all fall into fits of laughter. Three times Tyler's mom called him from his room to tell them to be quiet. Needless to say, they never really calmed down until somehow Brendon fell asleep on the floor. He got a little tired of josh kneeing him in the gut every time he got tickled, but he knew it was an accident. Josh is the last to falls sleep, watching Tyler's eyes fall slowly in the low lamp light. He'd tried staying awake but now that Brendon wasn't being loud, his medicine was starting to take effect again. Josh decides that if he had killed himself, everything would be worse, and he wouldn't have killed himself, but his friends too.


	6. Outside your pain, outside control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Casually updates 6 months later...  
> Also anyone wanna guess what song the chap titles go to? Props (and much love) if you know

Josh sleeps alone when he gets home the next day and feels surprisingly fine about it. When he wakes up the next morning both Jordan and his mom are home. She's cooking for them for the first time in a long time. He watches her a little confused since it's a Friday and she's not home until sometime on Saturdays. She just kisses him on the forehead and tells him breakfast will be ready soon. It feels like he's in a dream, seeing the two of them so happy as she cooks. He didn't even realize they had the food for eggs and pancakes. When he returns to the kitchen, they all eat together and then she starts the serious conversation.

"I've taken the next week off." She drops the bomb casually, sipping from her special mug Jordan made her in middle school. "Josh got me thinking, and well, I'm never really home. Which can't be good for the two of you. Depending on how the change goes, I might find a different job."

Jordan nearly chokes on his eggs. "Are you being for real?" They haven't been a real family for years.

"Yes I'm 'for real.'" She puts heavy emphasis on the quote. "You boys need a real mother and from what I've tried ignoring, you're not that great at taking care of yourselves." Josh is just watching her, trying to figure out if this was a dream or not. "I mean, seriously. I've seen too many Taco Bell bags for you to be so skinny." She's trying to joke but they can hear the seriousness in her tone.

"So this will be, like, a regular thing?" Jordan starts grinning.

"Yes," she laughs lightly at his happiness. "You need to practice driving anyway, right?"

Josh and Jordan look between each other nervously. Josh just let him drive even though he himself wasn't the legal guardian age for him to be doing so. They hadn't gotten caught so far, so it was a regular thing.

"Come on guys," she starts getting her lecture voice. "You don't let your brother drive illegally do you, josh?"

He looks down to his lap. "Well, not by himself."

"I might as well quit now."

He can't tell if she's really angry about that. "Sorry, you just never..." He trails off, not wanting to upset her again. "Sorry."

"It's okay. I didn't mean to go all mean on you." She does look guilty but they all do at this point. "Do you boys want to do something fun this weekend?"

"That would be cool." Jordan looks happy.

They were starting to feel like a family again.

\------

"She's really gonna quit?" Brendon asks when josh tells him the news at school.

"I really think she might." He feels giddy for some reason, but it sort of feels weird knowing she's going to be permanent in his life again. He's been so independent for so long, but he needed this after his most recent breakdown. "Everything is looking pretty good, you know? Other than the other night, but Tyler is getting better, he actually likes me back, and Jordan looks the happiest I've seen in years."

"*You* look the happiest I've seen in awhile."

"Can you blame me?" He closes his locker door after retrieving his English book. "We're supposed to be watching movies Saturday and maybe card games or something. We weren't really sure what to do, but it's time together."

"Okay, now you sound a little crazy. I'd kill myself- I mean my siblings if we had to play card games together."

Josh gives him a weird look at his slip up. "Well, that's because you guys are fucking crazy together."

"Touché." Brendon drapes an arm around his shoulders and they walk like that to English together.

\-----

Josh gets an unexpected call from Hayley during school. It's conveniently during lunch but his stomach drops a little at the fact that she's *calling.* They text most days, but the last time she called, a patient she had been helping with died. No one saw it coming. He had been doing so well, then his lungs collapsed and it was just too late. She was so heartbroken, she stayed at home for three days. So he didn't expect anything good to come from the call. And nothing did.

"Josh," she sounds so scared and worried. "Did you hear?"

"Hear what?" Brendon looks at him curiously, not sure what's going on but josh isn't sure either.

"Dammit, doesn't news spread fast at your school?"

"Not that fast apparently. What's going on?"

"It's tyler." His whole world stops and he feels like he can't breathe for a moment. "He's back in the hospital."

Josh stands suddenly, not sure if he's ready to brave facing tyler looking so weak again. "What for? Is he okay?" Brendon stands up too, worried about what's going on. Everything was going so well...

"It's- he had internal bleeding no one noticed until he just passed out today. He looked- they're saying it's not too bad but Josh--"

"I'm on my way." He leaves his food filled tray on the table and runs for the double doors, ignoring both the teachers and Brendon calling after him. "It's going to be okay." He's not sure if he's reassuring her or himself.

"I know I just- you needed to know." She sounds like she's about to cry and she's usually stronger than this so he must have looked bad. He had been doing so WELL and josh should have caught something like this. Typically there was bruising but to be honest, the boy was still covered in dark bruises. "His mom asked if you were here."

"I'll be there soon. Don't worry." He stopped walking, feeling like his world is collapsing and *dammit* everything was fucking fine.

"Okay, I have to get off the phone but drive safely."

"Okay, yeah, sure. See you soon." He hangs up and stares at his phone screen, a drop of water falling onto it. No, that wasn't water. That was a tear.

"Josh!" Brendon finds him and runs to his side. "What's wrong dude?"

He wipes away his tears, not liking that he's crying in such a public place. "Jesus," his legs give out and he slides down the wall until he's sitting. "It's tyler. He- he had internal bleeding that no one fucking caught and he passed out and- fuck."

"Dude, you need to breathe." Brendon kneels down and grabs him by the shoulders, making him look him in the eye even if he's embarrassed about crying. "You're freaking out and you need to breathe."

"How- I don't get it." He puts his head in his hands. "He was fine! *We* were fine!"

"You know there's slow showing symptoms and he was in rough shape. Josh, you *know this* you're brain is just going haywire from worry."

"I need to go see him."

"Then let's go."

"Jenna needs to know."

"Then we can find her." Brendon holds out a hand for josh to take. He hesitates before taking it and let's Brendon pull him up to his feet.

The two go back into the cafeteria to find Jenna who is already reading a text, her face turning pale. When she catches sight of josh -which really isn't that hard- she abandons her friends immediately. They all agree Brendon is driving and that taking the time to check out is just a waste of time.

Josh holds Jenna's hand on the way over. Her grip is probably the strongest he's ever felt, but he's not about to complain. Almost his whole body shakes from anxiety, what's left over from his prevented panic attack. Jenna just stares out the window, tears falling down her face. Brendon is so quiet it reminds josh of the first Sunday after Tyler's accident. He hated death, but yet, it seemed to be around him a lot. Perks of having a friend who volunteered in a hospital.

When they reach the hospital, he doesn't even park. He just pulls up to the entrance and let's josh and Jenna hop out and finds somewhere to park. He would take his time walking back, but josh couldn't blame him. Seeing his new friend like this isn't going to be easy. Hayley pulls the two into a hug when they enter through the doors.

"Is he in a room?" Josh asks.

"They just got him in one when I hung up." She looks like she's been crying. Tyler must have grown on her too. "He's in the same room."

"You go ahead," Jenna tells josh. "I need a second."

"Take all the time you need." He squeezes her hand in comfort. "Hayley take care of her." He let's go before slowly making his way down the hall. There's no sobbing from his mother this time, but he's sure he would just cry harder. She's by his bed like usual, looking sad and worried. She barely even notices him.

"Josh, I wasn't expecting you until after school..." She noticed his tear stained face immediately. She crosses the room but he can't stop staring at tyler. He looks so pale again, like the first time he was brought in. There's a thin layer of sweat on his forehead too. "He's fine, just tired and in some pain."

"Did they do surgery?" He finally looks away from him and to his moms kind face.

"Yes, since it was pretty severe. I don't know how we didn't catch it."

"He probably thought it was normal pain. Or if there was bruising-" he stops his doctor speech. "Sorry, they probably already told you."

"It's okay, we all deal with stress in different ways."

"I was afraid he was gone," he blurts and how insensitive of him to say that? It's even more insensitive for him to think that they weren't even official yet. None of that mattered right now. He was okay at the moment and mentioning that he could have died again shouldn't be said to his mom.

"He's a trooper, I'll tell you that much." She didn't even seem bothered by his comment. "Pretty unexpected though."

"He was doing great."

"Well, obstacles happen. I felt like something bad was about to happen." She gets that sad look in her eye. "Maybe bad things have to happen for the good to come. Or maybe it's just the pessimist in me."

"I never really thought you to be one Mrs. Joseph."

She smiles. "Well, thank you. I assume that if you're here, Jenna is too? I texted her but she never responded."

"She's with Hayley. The orange haired girl. Wasn't ready."

"I'll go check on her. You can sit with tyler." She gives him a quick hug before leaving the room.

Josh sits in the previously occupied chair and takes Tyler's hand in his, giving it a soft kiss. He says a short prayer, whispering it aloud and then let's the silence envelope them. Tyler's small breaths are the only noise other than the air conditioner. Josh reached out with his other hand to push back a loose strand that was sticking to the small boys forehead.

"You scared me," he whispers. "You scared all of us." He fixes his blankets and makes sure the IV is working just fine. It's the nurse in him, but also just the mom side. He knows for a fact that tyler is going to groan about more stitches, but he's also fine with josh pampering him a bit. He hated it at first but noticed how josh was just genuinely trying to help. Mostly, he pretended the pillows weren't fluffy enough or in the right spot, but josh never complained.

"Be a miracle for me. Just one more time."

\-----

Jenna and Brendon were around for awhile until they had to go home. Josh refused to leave. Tyler's mom was nice enough to let him stay and he dragged a chair from outside to the other side of the bed. His siblings were in and out but none of them ever stayed long. Josh got to talk to Zack who was pretty close to Jordan surprisingly. The kids couldn't stay long and eventually had to go home with their dad.

Tyler woke up a few times to only go back to sleep. With the pain and the blood loss, he was pretty wiped. The first couple of times, he commented on Josh's hair before falling back asleep. Josh didn't mean to fall asleep either, holding Tyler's hand and head resting on the edge of the bed. He's woken up by a stream of sunlight in his eyes. Briefly, he wonders why he left his blinds open but when a hand runs through his hair, he remembers where he is.

"Morning sleepy head," comes Tyler's soft voice.

Josh lifts his head slightly, just enough so tyler doesn't take his hand away. "Oh, sorry," he yawns. "Did I wake you?"

"No, not at all. I've been awake for a little bit."

"How are you feeling?" Josh takes Tyler's hand that's still in his hair and intertwines their fingers.

"As well as one does after passing out and having surgery." He gives a halfhearted shrug. He's looking so much better than yesterday, though. The color is returning and even though he looks tired, his eyes are awake.

"You're gonna be so scarred up." It's a joke, but a pretty obvious one.

"Ah I'll just tell people I got in a bar fight."

Josh laughs a little bit. "Hard to believe."

"Are you working today?" Tyler just wants the company, even though it would take away from Josh's volunteer hours. "Brendon came in earlier with your scrubs." He points to the end of the bed where they're neatly folded.

"That was nice of him." He rubs his tired eyes, not fully awake. "What I need is some coffee."

"My moms getting some. I can text her if--"

"It's fine." Josh gives his hand a small kiss. "We get it for free." He stands and stretches out his tight muscles from being in one position all night. He doesn't want to go. Not yet. "I'm really glad you're okay."

"I'm really glad you would skip school to come see me. Though I really shouldn't be condoning school skipping." His eyebrows scrunch together in seriousness but it just makes josh smile. His face just seemed so freaking kissable all the time.

"Too late. Looks like you've got a crush on a bad boy."

Tyler rolls his eyes with a smile. "Get to work you weirdo."

Josh finds a bathroom to change his clothes and signs in. Patrick is behind the desk so josh joins him after visiting a few patients. The poor strawberry blonde haired boy is distressed because Pete decided to take a dare to try to jump across a pool and fractured his wrist. He was lucky to only have that.

"I swear," Patrick fusses, pushing his falling glasses back up the bridge if his nose. "He's going to get himself killed!"

"I think he's just trying to impress you." Josh knows Pete is for one to do stupid things to make people like him more sometimes.

"We've been together a year. He has no need to impress me." He shakes his head. "If anything he's just worrying me more."

"Oh, I know the feeling."

\-----

Josh is late to family fun and he feels awful but his mom and brother are behind on getting the snacks ready anyway. They all snuggle up on the couch and eat away at the popcorn. It feels normal and just for a moment, josh forgets about everything else. When the movie finishes they have dinner together and it's a great time. Josh learns more about Jordan than when they've eaten together and they all decide this is something they really enjoy.

Josh has to shower and when he gets out he has a few texts waiting for him. A few are from a bored Brendon but one sticks out from tyler.

Tyjo:   
Could you maybe stay the night again? I'm lonely ;(

Josh doesn't even hesitate before saying yes. Honestly, he would do anything in his power to make tyler happy. His mom doesn't even argue with him. She knew the situation from Brendon when he dropped by earlier that morning and even though she didn't know tyler -but wanted to meet him soon- she knew josh needed to be there with him.

At the hospital, it's quiet. There's usually not a lot of bustle at night. There aren't any volunteers so he doesn't get stopped. The nurses barely even look up. He just looks like a regular person checking up on family.

He knocks on the doorframe of Tyler's room. His mom is there, asleep in the chair. "Hey, you wanted me?"

Tyler sits himself up, looking excited at the sight of josh, but he can see that something had been bugging him. "Come sit with me." Josh moves to the chair beside the bed but tyler stops him. "On the bed." He moves over to give josh enough room.

"What's up? You look a little... I dunno. Spooked?" Josh sits next to tyler, careful enough to not pull on anything.

"It's nothing." He plays with his twitching hands. "Just a small nightmare." His voice is small. "It's normal. I just didn't want to bother my mom and I kind of just wanted to talk to you."

"About the nightmare?"

"Nah, it's just about the wreck. I want to forget about it."

"So something else?"

"Anything else," he sighs and drops his hands on his lap.

Josh looks around the empty room for something to do. He sees the notebook he brought in for tyler and reaches out for it. He almost falls out of the bed but he gets it. "We could write a story." He writes the first line and hands over the notebook.

They go back and forth until they have three pages filled with aliens and skeletons in a war together. They giggle more than write, but josh can tell when tyler isn't thinking about the nightmare anymore. It doesn't take long for him to get tired, though. His eyelids flutter closed and josh decides he should go. A hand gripping his arm stops him.

"Stay," tyler whispers, eyes still closed. "Please."

Josh sleeps with tyler using him as a pillow and he feels perfectly fine about it.


	7. Exquisite Corpse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me lmao

Tyler is dead.

 

That's the only information Josh has been given. Tyler's mother called him after school when he's on his way to the hospital. He'd been admitted for a third time the night before but Josh knew he always pulled through.  _ We’re not really sure how it happened,  _ his mother tells him.  _ The funeral is on Friday.  _ The world he knew suddenly turns upside down and the only person he really wants to talk about it with is Tyler. Brendon consoles him when he finally got wind of the news, but it doesn't help much.

 

The next few days pass quickly but painfully. He honestly doesn't remember the days leading up to the funeral but it all comes to a halt as he looks at himself in the mirror in the nicest suit he owned. His hair sticks out from the suit and he cant help but think how Tyler would somehow find it funny. His mom calls him from downstairs and he forces his legs to move even though he doesn't want to. 

 

“Are you ready?” his mom asks as he buckled up. Jordan had let him sit in the front without argue. 

 

“Ready as I'll ever be.” 

 

“It'll be over before you know it. You don't even have to stay the whole time if you don't want to.” 

 

“Okay.” 

 

Tyler’s family stands at the entrance as they greet everyone and accept their hugs and condolences. He hugs Mrs. Joseph the longest as she cries into his shoulder. After seeing them all, he slowly makes his way to Tyler's casket. The last time Josh had seen him, he was laughing and he looked so alive. Now he was frowning and so unbelievably pale. Josh reaches out, but he's too afraid to touch him. After too much hesitation, he places a hand on his suited arm. It's the nicest thing Josh has ever seen him wear. 

 

Tyler’s eyes open suddenly but instead of brown eyes, it's pure black. Josh steps back as his body sits up and turns roughly to him as if he was an unoiled animatronic. He climbs out of the casket, reaching out for Josh but he moves back before dead Tyler can reach him. His body falls roughly to the ground and everyone around him is screaming but nothing comes out from his own mouth. No matter how hard he tries. Tyler crawls to him and with the chaos that's now going on, Josh is unable to get away. He falls to the ground as Tyler grips to his legs tightly. He brings his lifeless eyes closer to Josh's face and his mouth hangs open like a snake's, his jaw unhinged. A scream let's out from his mouth and the pitch black eyes are the last thing Josh sees before he wakes with a jerk. 

 

The blankets he had were suffocating him in his panic and he tries to pry them off as they tangled around his body. A cold sweat sticks to his skin as he finally gets free. His room is still dark, reminding him of Tyler's dead eyes that had blocked his vision in his dream. He knows he's having a panic attack but his brain is sure he's still dying. Stumbling out of bed, he finds the light switch and he sees everything in his bedroom. He presses his damp back against the wall and tries to catch his breath, remembering the breathing exercises he was taught. Instead, he cries. 

 

Josh is way too freaked out by that dream to even think straight.  _ Tyler is dead _ is the only thing repeating in his mind.  _ Tyler is dead and he wants me dead too. _ He's sure he's on the verge of passing out when he hears his phone vibrate from under his pillow. 

 

**Tyler (1:02 am):**

I fell asleep before I got to text to let you know I got home safe

 

That news helps Josh calm down considerably, but he doesn't stop crying. 

 

**Josh (1:03 am):**

Really glad to hear that 

 

**Tyler (1:05 am):**

You can come see me after school. Mom said that would be the best time.

 

**Josh (1:06 am):**

Yeah you should get some rest. Night Ty. 

 

 

 

Tyler is asleep when Josh goes to visit him after school. He's thrown off guard by how peaceful he looks and he has to repeat to himself that Tyler isn't actually dead. He's just sleeping. Kinda cute, actually.

 

Instead of trying to wake him, Josh sits at the foot of the bed next to his feet and waits. He probably stares too long, trying to watch his chest move up and down. A sign that he's alive. Half an hour later, Mrs. Joseph checks up on them like she always does now. Josh is sure Tyler's told her about their kiss, but she always noticed how close they were. 

 

“You can wake him up,” she says. “He really wouldn't mind since it's you.”

 

“I know he had a bit of a late night last night,” Josh says. “I’d hate to mess anything up.” 

 

“Well, do you need anything to eat or drink?”

 

“No thank you. I got something before coming over.” 

 

She only nods and leaves the room, closing the door this time. Josh just goes back to watching Tyler sleep. 

 

“You got taco bell without me, didn't you?” Tyler asks tiredly, eyes still closed. It makes Josh jump since he wasn't expecting him to respond. “Sorry,” Tyler chuckles as he struggles to sit up. Josh rushes off the bed to help him. “Didn't mean to startle you.” 

 

“How long have you been awake?” Josh leans over him to grab a pillow to place behind his back. 

 

“I've been going in and out for about five minutes. How long have you been here?” 

 

“Um, a little over half an hour.” 

 

Tyler just smiles. “You seriously should have woken me up. I tried to stay awake for you but these stupid meds…” 

 

“Ty, it's okay. You need your rest anyway.” Josh sits on the bed next to him. He's a little hesitant at this point, but it was one stupid dream. It wasn't going to come true. Although, for a second he was sure it did. “How is being home again?”

 

“Boring. Mom checks on me a bit too much now. She asks me constantly if I've got anything weird going on.”

 

“You scared us all,” Josh looks to his lap. “Its reasonable.” 

 

“Tell me about school. Momma needs some drama.” 

 

Josh laughs at the rhyme but he tells Tyler as much as he knows. He wasn't as good as Tyler or Brendon when it came to getting stories, but at least Brendon was nice enough to tell him a few. Tyler listens intently, glad to have some sort of distraction from the boring walls he had to stare at all day.

 

“I feel so dead,” Tyler groans as the pain medicine wears off. 

 

A hot flash runs through josh's body as he feels too anxious. “I have to go.” Josh gets out of the bed, ignoring Tyler's confused look. “I'm late for volunteering,” he lies. He had called in to skip so he could hang out with Tyler, but now he was rethinking it all. “I'll, uh, see you later.” 

 

Tyler nods slowly, washing him rush. “Yeah, okay. Text me when you're off?” 

 

Josh was already halfway through the door. “Yeah, of course.” He barely says goodbye to his mom and rushes out of the house. In his car, he leans his forehead against the steering wheel and let's out a deep sigh. Why did such a silly little sentence freak him out so Bad? “Get it together, you idiot,” he mutters to himself before turning the engine and driving away from Tyler's house. 

 

Maybe he just needed a little bit of space. Just for one day. By then he should be over this whole mess. He knew Tyler was alive. He watched him breathe. So why was he still so freaked out? 

 

 

 

Josh wasn't planning on avoiding Tyler compeltely but after a second nightmare that was practically the same, but instead his corpse kept blaming Josh for his death, he had a hard time seeing him. Or anyone for that matter. The feeling would go away, he knew it. Nightmares like these have happened to him before. He used to get them really bad as a kid. Mostly when his parents were divorcing. The doctor told him it was just him stressing out badly so his feelings had to go somewhere since he was so reluctant to share them with anyone. 

 

Two days after the second nightmare, and him barely leaving his room, except for school and work, his mom finally tries to get something out of him. He doesn't budge and he can see the worry and pain in her eyes, but he ignores it. An hour later, shes letting Brendon into his room. 

 

“You're mom called me,” he says, sitting in the computer chair across the room. “Says you aren't eating much again. You know she gets really worried. I do too.”

 

“I'm fine,” Josh mumbles.

 

“You're not. There's bags under your eyes and your hair is an absolute mess.” 

 

Josh runs his fingers through the salmon colored hair. “Its always a mess.”

 

“Come on,” Brendon gives him a sharp look. “Tell Dr. Urie what's wrong.” He grabs the first notebook he sees and crosses his legs as he pretends to be Josh's old counselor. 

 

Josh can't help but smile. “Fine,” he sits up on his bed, still fully dressed from his day. “I had a nightmare that… that Tyler died. It started the day he was going home and it was terrifying. It's hard to go see him now.” He gives some details to how Tyler looked in his dream, but he doesn't go into it too deeply.

 

“He told me you were acting distant.”

 

“Jeez, does everyone go to you?” 

 

“Yes! I'm an  _ amazing  _ listener. You'd be surprised.” He only gets an unimpressed stare. “You can't avoid him forever, Josh.” 

 

“I know,” he rubs his tired eyes, feeling terribly guilty. “It hasn't really been that long, has it?” 

 

“Yes. He's asking about you so you know it's been too long. Your timing is awful by the way. He wants to be your boyfriend, you know, and you ghost him. Dick move, Dun.” 

 

“He didn't ask me that.” Josh looks panicked as he tries looking for his phone.

 

“When was the last time you checked your phone, dude?” Brendon picks it up from the window sill and tossed it to him. 

 

“Sometime last night,” he says as he types his password quickly. “I would have remembered if he asked  _ that. _ ” 

 

“Well, he thinks you freaked out. Check your phone more often, dude .”

 

Josh sees the message brendon mentioned along with a few others. “Shit. I didn't know he sent this.” 

 

Brendon stands, tossing the used notebook aside with the other mess on Josh's floor. “Look, I've gotta get to work. You need to figure some of this shit out. He isn't gonna die, okay? I know that for a fact. If you need anything, _text me this time_.”

 

“Yeah,” Josh nods, still staring at his phone. “Yeah, thanks.” 

 

What was he going to do? He's probably hurt Tyler way more than intended. Actually, hurting him wasn't his intention at all. It was actually the opposite since his nightmares were making going about his days a real struggle. He needs to fix this right now, so he clicks on the message box and begins to type.

 

 

 

Josh is a little surprised at how quickly Tyler showed up. He was sure Tyler would ignore him for a few hours and then say he wasn't allowed or something. Of course, it was only a matter of time before he showed up. Curiosity got the best of him most of the time. 

 

“Hey…” Josh is oddly nervous. 

 

“Hey yourself.” Tyler moves into the house, better as using his crutches now. “Figured you'd died or something.” 

 

“No,” he scratches the back of his neck nervously. “Just been going through stuff. Sorry I left so quickly the other day. I really wanted to see you longer but…”

 

“Yeah, it's getting boring at the house now.” Tyler flops down on the couch without thinking and winced at the pain in his side. 

 

“Who drove you here?” Josh stays across the living room, watching him try to get comfortable. 

 

“My mom. She'll pick me back up in a couple of hours.” Tyler noticed Josh's hesitation. “What's wrong? You’ve been acting weird. Is it because I asked you to be my boyfriend? I'm sorry if it was too soon for you or something.”

 

“No! No, I just--” Josh remembers the dream where Tyler blames him for his death. “Haven't been getting much sleep.” As if that explained why he was practically ignoring him these past few days.  _ Dick move, Dun. _

 

“Come sit, and we can talk about it.” Tyler pats the spot next to him, obviously not bothered by Josh's distance anymore. He just looked so concerned. Like his mom did. 

 

Josh moves, but he's still hesitant as he sits. “I've been having nightmares.” sirens go off in his mind, warning him that if he isn't careful, he's going to kill Tyler somehow. He's not sure how he could by sitting next to him, but he's sure that there's probably a way. 

 

“About what?” he reached out for his hand and Josh nearly recoils. “Josh, it's alright. You can tell me.” 

 

“You're…” he takes a deep breath as he tries to not cry. “You're dead in both of them. You blame me in the second one and… you've got no eyes. They're, like, pitch black. Your jaw unhinges like a snake or something.” 

 

“I'm not dead,” Tyler assured him. 

 

“I know. I'm sorry,” Josh feels the tears fall down his cheeks. Why is he always crying in front of Tyler? “I'm so scared of losing you sometimes. It's stupid. I haven't even known you that long but I freaking care about you so much. What if something is still wrong, or you get into another accident? You're so much more together than I am. I couldn't handle it.” he thinks back to when he almost killed himself and feels even more guilty. 

 

“Nothing is wrong with me.” Tyler takes his face between his hands and makes Josh look at him. “You can't worry every time I get into a car whether or not I'll be in an accident. I can't do it either. We’ve just gotta have a little faith, yeah?” he searches josh's face for confirmation and uses his thumbs to wipe away the few tears he’d shed. “I'm alive, Josh, and I'm gonna stay that way for a long time.” Tyler kisses him several times just to get that sad look off of his face. 

 

When Tyler pulls away Josh keeps his eyes closed, but he speaks without hesitation this time. “I do want to be your boyfriend. There's no doubt about that.”

 

“The nightmares won't be too much?” Tyler’s fingertips run over the short hairs on the side of josh's head. 

 

He opens his eyes to Tyler looking worried now. After those kisses, Josh had felt much better. Just touching Tyler helped relax him. He nods and turns his head just a little bit to kiss the inside of Tyler's wrist. “I'll be fine now that you're here.”

 

“Come stay the night with me,” Tyler says quietly, eyes fixated on Josh giving more small kisses on his arm. “I miss you.”

  
“Yeah, that's a good idea.” He can feel Tyler's pulse if he places his lips in the right spot. His skin is warm and tan, just like he’s used to seeing. It's soft instead of being stiff and when he looks up to his face through his lashes, he's met with warm brown eyes and crooked teeth as he grins too big. They kiss again, longer than the other ones they've had.

 

Tyler is alive.


	8. Kinda love that we got is one in a mill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's kind of short but i felt really bad for not updating for like 8 months. I started working then started school and January. this chapter is sappy but still sad because i gotta make y'all feel things. pls don't hate me for inconsistent updates.

Josh is sure he’s falling in love with Tyler. The more time they hang out while he recovers, Josh learns more to love. But he can’t tell Tyler this. It’s only been three weeks since they became boyfriends. He can’t bare the thought of running him off. They’ve been able to hang out more since Josh's volunteer hours were finished. They lay around in the room, tyler sleeps in, talking for hours. Kissing about half the time, but only when his parents aren’t home. 

 

“You ready to go back to school?” Josh asks. He is, but he also knows how nosy everyone is.

 

“Yeah, kinda. Not for all the work.” All the swelling had gone down and he looks more like Tyler, but josh liked him in any way. 

 

“Well, no one likes the work.” Josh turns his head to look at tyler. His cheeks smaller than two weeks ago. Still just as kissable. “You’ve got me, B, and Jenna for help.”

 

“Aw, does that mean you’ll carry my books for me?” Tyler smiles over at him, very childlike. 

 

“If it gives me an excuse to be late to class, then sure.”

 

Tyler elbows him gently in the ribs, laughing at Josh’s humor. “And here I thought it was because you liked me.”

 

Josh chuckles and gives Tyler a kiss, who doesn’t want Josh to go. They kiss until one of them taps out from lack of air, which is almost always Josh. What can he say? Tyler takes his breath away. 

 

“I’ve got to go,” Josh mumbles against Tyler’s lips, who groans and tries to hold him down. He’s too weak, or lazy, to even pull that hard. “I’m going to see you in the morning.” He promises with a quick kiss. “I’ll even have some coffee for you, hm?”

 

Tyler’s nose scrunches up and shakes his head. “You know me better than that, Dun.”

 

“Redbull,” Josh gives in. “Our little secret.”

 

“Let me walk you to the door.” Tyler doesn’t struggle to get up anymore. At this point, he just wants the cast off, but he has a few more weeks left. As much as he argues against it, he uses both crutches instead of one. It was just better for him, the doctor had told him. And there wasn’t any getting away with breaking the rules with Josh and his mom around. It was completely useless to even argue with them. He never won. Unless he gave Josh his puppy-dog eyes, but even then, he held his ground pretty well. At the door, the two continue kissing as Josh is halfway over the threshold. He holds Tyler up since he loses a crutch in the process. They just can’t get get enough of each others lips. They were young. They were in infatuation. No one could really blame them. 

 

“Gross,” besides Zack. “Mom said to keep that stuff to your room.”

 

“She did not, you baby.” Tyler looks over his shoulder to his brother who pretends to gag. “You’re just jealous.”

 

“Whatever,” Zack contines walking to his destination. 

 

Tyler looks back at Josh who hangs his head sheepishly. “Ignore him.” Tyler leans in and gives Josh’s slightly stubbly cheek a kiss. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

 

 

 

  
  
When Josh pulls up to the Joseph’s house, he sees his mother and Zack instead of Tyler. He gets out of the car slowly, not sure what to expect. When they were texting, he seemed fine so what happened in such a short amount of time? 

 

“Hi, Mrs. Joseph.” He decides not to start with any questions. 

 

“Hi, Josh.” She gives him a sympathetic look. “Ty had a bad night. I figured he could start back tomorrow, but would you mind taking Zack still? I’ve got to get Maddie and Jay to their own schools.”

 

“Yeah, sure. I don’t mind. Tell Tyler I said to get better.” He toys with his keys nervously. Was he hurting or just anxious. But he’s got to get himself to school instead of bombarding them with questions. “Ready to go?” He asks Zack instead. 

 

“Yeah,” he grips his backpack straps tightly. 

 

It’s awkward as hell. Neither say anything as the music from Josh’s radio plays quietly. Every once in awhile Josh glances over to see Zack looking around just as anxiously. He looks ready to jump out of the car any second. The awkwardness is so heavy that Josh could practically touch it. They could almost cut it with a knife. He wants to talk to Zack. Get to know what’s going on in school and what’s in his mind. If he’s okay. If he likes or hates Josh. And if so, why? But if he hates Josh, that’s going to make everything more awkward. Asking just seems too pushy and Josh doesn’t want to look pushy or lame even--

 

“Can I have that Redbull?” Zack asks.

 

Oh, yeah. He was definitely Tyler’s brother. “Yeah, man. Go ahead.”

 

Josh could never say to Tyler because he’s just so sweet and when he pulls out his puppy dog eyes, it makes him a weak man. So, josh couldn’t say no to Zack because he can’t say no to Tyler. “Didn’t know you liked Redbull.”

 

“Yeah, kinda…” he pauses as if he were going to say something else, but opens the can and takes a sip. “Do you really like my brother? Like, a lot?”

 

It catches Josh off guard because it felt out like this was coming out of left field. Not a lot of people knew they were dating, but it was obvious their families knew. Maddie and Jay were a little confused why it was a big deal and really couldn’t care less. Josh just found funny everytime Jay asked if they were going to get married and Tyler would blush and tell him to go bother their mom instead. “Uh, yeah,” his voice cracks uncharacteristically. Did Zack not like their relationship? “I really do.”

 

“Cool.” Zack stares out the window instead. His family always supported Tyler, but it always felt like they had to keep a secret from other church goers or other classmates. He always stood up for his brother against people who found out and talked shit behind his back. That was the norm. But it was different that Josh actually wanted to talk to Zack. “He really likes you too. You make him the happiest I’ve seen him.”

 

“Oh, really?” Josh can’t but help smile. When Zack looks back over at him, he tries to hide it but fails miserably. 

 

“Yeah, but if you hurt him, I’ll kick your ass.”

 

Josh laughs because that wasn’t intimidating at all and it catches Zack off guard. “Don’t worry. I could never do that.”

 

“Good. And, uh, don’t  tell Tyler I said any of that.”

 

“ _ That  _ I can’t promise,” Josh teases.

 

 

 

  
  
It’s a normal day obviously since he didn't hang out with Tyler regularly. It still feels empty and boring. He had been looking forward to the day Tyler could come back. They had been talking about it for what felt like forever. They only had a couple classes together, but it was still lonely. Brendon finally decides to say something in their last class of the day. 

 

“Dude, you’ve been down all day. What’s up?” He asks when they’re supposed to be discussing the chapter together. 

 

“I dunno. Ty didn’t text me this morning about not coming. His mom told me. But they won’t tell me what’s wrong. Not even Jenna was sure.” Was it stupid to worry? “I feel like I’m overreacting and upset over nothing.”

 

“Nah dude. He should have told you but just be patient with him. He’s not going to tell you what’s wrong right away. I mean, he’s probably just hurting too much still.”

 

“Yeah, I guess.” Josh doesn’t feel any better though. “Just got over excited about him coming back.” He laughs it off, trying not to feel hurt. Tyler had his reasons for not saying and Josh wasn’t going to push him. 

 

“Let’s hang out at my place after school. Get your mind off the silence.” Brendon knew him too well. “Besides, I haven’t seen you in forever it feels like.” 

 

“Yeah, man.” Josh smiled but it doesn’t feel quite right. “Sorry about that.”

 

“Don’t worry.” Brendon waves it off. “You should be worried about what new game I’m going to beat your ass at.”

 

 

 

 

_ Get your mind off the silence,  _ Josh can’t stop thinking about what Brendon said. Maybe that was why he was freaking out. Silence always worried him. He thought Tyler knew that, but that doesn’t mean he can keep blaming him. It wasn’t fair. He didn’t know what Tyler was going through but Josh wasn’t going to text him:  _ hey. Your silence is freaking me out and upsetting me. Not like youre going through something shitty. Xo.’  _ That’s just rude. Brendon did do a pretty good job distracting him, though. He won the game of course but if Josh was being honest, he wasn’t trying that hard. Every time a phone vibrated, he would take his eyes off the screen which pretty much got him shot when he did it. For once, Brendon said nothing. This usually made him shout so he had a fair chance at winning, but he was going easy on Josh. He’s never seen him upset like this. It was uncharted territory. 

 

“Just text him,” Brendon says, his hand on Josh’s shoulder as they stand at the front door. 

 

But what could he say? Josh lays around for an hour after dinner trying to type up a text. It hadn’t been this bad since they first started talking and Josh realized he had a crush on Tyler. It really had snuck up on him. He eventually ends up with something a little shitty. 

 

**Josh:**

_ you going tomorrow? _

 

Tyler responds faster than expected. 

 

**Tyler:**

_ Yeah but my moms taking me _

 

**Josh:**

_ Too scared of my driving? Lol _

 

His humor didn’t come off well over text. 

 

**Tyler:**

_ No. i have therapy after school _

 

**Josh:**

_ Oh ye. Forgot.  _

 

After that, it’s silent. He waited an hour before turning his phone off in frustration and tried to sleep. It’s too early to even bother trying, but his body was tired. His mind, unfortunately, wasn’t. He couldn’t believe believe every lie it told him, but he wasn’t very good at ignoring things. The plan wasn’t to cry, but it wore him out enough to sleep. 

 

 

 

 

Josh acts happy when he sees Tyler at school but something is a little off. Tyler is different. More distant and independent. He snaps Josh trying to help with his books. It’s harsh and not playful at all like he’s used to. It makes Josh freeze and Tyler apologizes under his breath before leaving Josh alone at his locker. It’s like that for the next couple of days until he gives up on helping. It was useless to ask what was up Tyler just shakes his head and lies about being tired and anxious. It upsets Josh and makes him feel like it’s his fault. And he doesn’t know how to fix it. 

 

The only reasonable thing he knows to do is force it out of him now. Gently of course. So he drives over to Tyler’s house without warning. The silence was suffocating him. He tries practicing what he’s going to say but it’s messy and disconnected. It’ll have to do. It’s how Josh feels and Tyler needs to know or else this thing they have going on isn’t going to work. One of them is going to snap and say something they don’t really mean. It’ll get real messy. 

 

“Josh.” Tyler is surprised. “Uh, no one is home right now…” all of his hair is sticking up as if he just woke up from a nap.

 

“Good,” He slips past him to move inside. “I’ve got a few things to say.”

 

“Okay…” Tyler closes the door and shuffles with his crutches to face him. 

 

“I think you’re being a little hypocritical.” Bad start. Tyler looks a little taken aback by that, but the adrenaline going through Josh makes him going. “You tell me to be honest with how I’m feeling, but you’re something back. And don’t lie to me. You’ve been distant and short tempered. This relationship can’t work if you don’t tell me what’s wrong so I can help fix it and be there for you. This silence? It’s  _ literally _ starting to drive me insane.” Josh stops abruptly, hands shaking from how direct he was 

 

“I’m sorry. I’ve just had a lot going on.”

 

“Then let me help fix it.” Josh takes a step forward because Tyler looks like he’s about to break down any second. 

 

“I’m broken Josh!” Tears spring up in Tyler’s eyes. “You can’t just fix me by dating me! I’ve got fucking PTSD apparently and I keep having these nightmares and my depression is just getting worse and worse. I can’t keep holding onto this false hope that your kisses can heal or that your words can make the pain go away.”

 

“Ty, I can help you through it. You don’t really think I don’t know that right? Our brains are sick, but that’s okay man. It fucking  _ sucks _ but we have to be there for each other.” He moves in front of him and takes his face in his hands. He knows just the thing to calm Tyler down enough to talk about this calmly and reasonably. Was that wrong? “And that doesn’t stop me from falling in love with you.”

 

The tears fall over on his cheek from his eyes widening. “What?”

 

“Is that okay?” maybe it  _ was  _ wrong to say. 

 

But Tyler nods quickly. “Yeah. Fuck, I’m so sorry. I’ve been a dick.”

 

“It’s okay.” Josh wipes the tears away with his thumbs. “Just talk to about this stuff you’re feeling, yeah?”

 

Tyler closes his eyes and lets out a hollow laugh. “Yeah. Yeah that shouldn’t be too much of a problem.” Because Tyler was sure he was falling in love with Josh too. 

  
  



End file.
